Week X Slate of Games

Here are this week's slate of games. Things keep rolling in the SEC and it's starting to look like a one loss SEC Champion could take their rightful place in the BCS Championship game. I want controversy all over the place so we can get a fucking playoff. The standings have been updated with everybody having average weeks. This week's lines are courtesy of pinnaclesports.com (for entertainment purposes only).

Saturday, November 4, 2006

Mississippi State at Alabama (-14), 12:30

Florida at Vanderbilt (+14), 12:30

Georgia at Kentucky (+6.5), 1

Northwestern State at Ole Miss (NL), 2

Arkansas State at Auburn (-30.5), 2:30

LSU at Tennessee (+2), 3:30

Arkansas at South Carolina (+2), 7:45

Virginia at Florida State (-11), 3:30

Virginia Tech at Miami (+2.5), 8

Running blog, why not, let the brew/bourbon flow

So I figured since I'm at grand central football station...AKA my apartment. I would go with the running blog of the games commencing at the second half of UT-USC, UT-TT, and FSU-UM.

I may or may not have played some games of chance (for entertainment purposes only) with a couple of these games.

Fuck Bill Simmons...this is the real deal...no spelling corrections...no bullshit crap...and I'm kinda angry because we should have crushed UGA...fuck em...let's go

9:26 Enter X Lee, running, passing, looking for the cover, bowden loves this guy.
Why did Weatherdick ever ay?

Highlights: Tejas wants to cover...who loves ya baby. Touchdown...lets go burnt orange.

Antone smith sucks...he's like Lo Booker Jr. Shit on a stick 3 & 8...

TTech is done.. their shit hate covering QB is throwing it away all over the place.

Uh oh, here comes another coors light.

FIRST DOWN NOLES...GET THAT COVER. C Davis...get that st pete pride

9:34 C Davis score...bring that shit...I hate money, it makes me root for anyone...coors light cracked

9:36 USC UT still weird, who do I root for...long term visions etc

Friegen just got trucked...by a skinny guy

3&10 huge, Ainge is a wackjob, tons of protections, huge recievers, does the guy have Torrets?

I just don't understand...you just can't miss open guys and give Spur Dog extra chances...muffed reception??????
UT recovers!!!!!!!!!! Beer sip.....check penalty...ILLEGAL FUCKING FORMATION!! Punt that shit again! Holy fucking shit...check out phil's face, spur dog just kicked him in the nuts.

Repunt - down at 1.

FSU has the fucking ball , marlyand player jacks up lee on a penalty...x lee cool name, against rules to hit people, why do it?

9:42 Nole smoving, llving the cover, but wait, douche fullback on roids drops a pass...seriously how much roids do FSU fullbacks take...tary not be obvious.

USC recovers fumble

OPtion action by spurdog

FSU on the move

Lob ball by Newton....CAUGHT....defensive interference!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what a fucking game, I lvoe football dont' stop

Again down the field, spur dog getting dudes open, fsu movin rock, lee is like a cat

WIDE OPEN TD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy shit, spur dog SMILED!!!! :)

9:51 why is MY trying they hate the cover? SCacked beotch, some chap timmons UNBLOCKED!

fsu, cover much?

UT getting ready to recive

lit up like a christmas tree

random redneck yelling...I'm scared

thwroing to fullback/TE's , always a bad sign for UT

hardesty - an awesome porn name

that's interference folks, feet tangled up, bs excuse

fsu hits bomb, ST PETE IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!

I hate fucks who hold up"four"

10:08 Phil answers....I love the new camera angles...I smell a porn source.

kick a field goal, punch it in fuckwads

huge punt return, didn't seem like he ran that far, could be the beer

too much beer, fsu loses again , UT blowout, runing blogs blow.

GO see the departed.

GO BUCS!

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IX

El Gran Mono

As I sit down on this Thursday night, I am discovering that my football knowledge is lacking when it comes to the ACC. How can Clemson look so good and be down at the half to Va Tech. Oh well, they’ll put it together. The Hammer of Thor lock is at stake. As for the SEC games, UF-UGA should be a sleeper but Spurrier against Fulmer is always classic. And uh, Tubs plays his old team, that should be…uh…“great”…

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Hmm…how do I do a recap on a weekend after an off week? Well I guess I could talk about how awesome it was to see everyone (including the other Bourbon Boys) at our buddy’s wedding. Also I could mention that I went 6-2 last week picking games … now if I only gambled for real I probably would have made a shit load of money … oh well…oh yea … we all drank a lot this weekend, Texas dodged a bullet, Bama lost a heartbreaker, and oh yea this weekend is The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party!!! I understand that the UF and the UGA Presidents have asked ESPN and CBS to NOT refer to the game as such…what a bunch of FUCKING LOSERS! If everyone there is like me and most of my cronies, they don’t like being told what to do, and should react appropriately and drink more … What the hell does Machen (UF’s Prez) think he is doing? Doesn’t he realize that back in the early 90s we were throwing cups of piss on the UT fans? The school has curbed that behavior, and now he just wants to 86 drinking all together … I hate him with a passion… but I love the Gators!!!

Malt Licker

This will be ultra-brief. I enjoyed meeting up with my Bboys cohorts at the Big Dumb Animal’s wedding. I don’t remember saying goodbye…hope you forgive me…

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Auburn at Ole Miss (+17), 12:30

EGM

Its tough not to mention the sick amounts of southern, craptastic hair that will be flowing around Vaught-Hemingway Stadium. Additionally, the annual “Best Damn Tall Wallet” Competition will be held all weekend long. As for the game, Ole Piss sucks and the Plainsmen are shooting for a BCS birth. Tubs run up the score? No, no, never…

Better football team 28

Better wallongs and shitty hair 7

CB

Speaking of cups of piss, Ole Miss is just fucking terrible … They were (as predicted) just smoked last week by Pseudo-Kansas and show no signs of progress. Furthermore, what is confusing me more and more each week is why did the Rebels fired David Cutcliffe? Did they think they could possibly do better than him with some hickfaced douchebag? I’m curious to see which Auburn team shows up this week. There is no doubt that the Tigers are going to win, but is this spread too much for those fucking morons from south east Alabama to comprehend? While that maybe a big yes, I think the spread is just right ...

Multiple Mascot Hicks 34

Zero Mascot Hicks 10

ML

The Hair/Hot Southern Belle Bowl…I’d rather be on some picnic blanket with Wendy Sue from Huntsville, Madison from Vicksburg, some roofies, and my whiskey dick. I’d give them the best 45 minutes of their life. Seriously, what must it be like to be an unattractive girl at one of these schools?

Lost virginity in the Aw-Barn 27

Lost virginity in their uncle’s barn…with the uncle 3

Vanderbilt at Duke (+10), 1

EGM

Battle of the dorks. No other way to put it. I’m sure everyone will be partying at the expansive Duke library with coffee and crumpets in order to get that in that extra hour of studying time change allows. Puke almost beat Thug U last week but the Doremats bring another element to the table: ridiculous ability to cover on the road. No home library to fuck up your heads for the game but the temptation of the Duke extra hour studyfest does linger. I’m betting that the Doremat players will be too scared of perjurious strippers on the Durham streets to go abroad.

Love of home studying 21

Love of studying anywhere 10

CB

Well lookie what we have here…the two biggest nerd-fest schools in the south and, aw how cute, they get to pway each other. This should be quite the battle. Both schools are fighting the calls of their invalidity in their respected conferences, in some capacity, by either coming up with big wins this year or playing (former) powerhouses really tough. It shouldn’t be a surprise that the Commodores are favored in this contest. They beat Georgia AT Georgia and Duke is fucking Duke…I say “go landlocked sailors”…

Commodores of the Mississip 27

Puke 10

ML

I saw “The Departed” last night so I’ve got Matt Damon on the mind. Do you think players at these schools dress down kids who don’t memorize the playbook right away like Will Hunting did that Swedish douche mathematician for not knowing how to reduce that uber-equation from hell? Yea…me too.

Vandy got her number 31

Duke hates ‘dem apples 13

Kentucky at Mississippi State (+2), 2:30

EGM

Its hard to believe that Rich Brooks & Co are favored against anyone. But Miss State sucks that much. Ol’ Sly Croom has really done a number on the Western Dawgs, leading them further down the spiral that pig castrating specialist, Jackie Sherrill, started. Andre Woodson is actually a half ass QB and Miss State doesn’t have any half ass players on their entire offense. Somebody must score to win and I’m going with KY.

Rebuilding BABY! 17

Tearing down BABY! 14

CB

An SEC team is a homedog to Kensucky … the Apocalypse is on … I wonder, if the Bulldogs win this game it will warrant a goal-posting? … I know I haven’t brought it up in a while, but these nimrods that I’m on a Yahoo! College Football Pick’em league with are total losers … I wish they knew about the Bourbon Boys so they could read it and realize what douchebags they are … of course in this day and age they will probably get A’s in Southern Hair 101 and become legislators in the Magnolia State … go to Washington and fuck their smoking hot staffers … hmmm…doesn’t sound that bad … I’m gonna go crazy here and do something that will seem very stupid at first ….

RiledCats 20

UPSET ST? 21

ML

The game to determine which cellar dweller is better….wow…that is almost a tongue twister. The cellar dweller with the black feller will lose to the cellar dweller that wears blue sweaters.

sUK 23

Mess St 20

Florida International at Alabama (-35.5), 3

EGM

Does FIU have any players that haven’t been suspended? Speak English? Play football well? Probably not. I’m still not taking Bama -35.5 against anyone.

West Miami ese 7

Bammer 42

CB

So, two weeks after THE Brawl, and FIU gets to face Alabama in Sucksaloosa. I guess after the heartbreak in Knoxville, this will be a nice change and hopefully make the boosters happy. Personally, I wouldn’t want to take the field with some jokers who are A) too stupid to get into Miami, and B) very ANGRY about it … I think the real bet should be whether or not there will be another knock down drag out …

FIU 10

Bama 40

ML

The only permissible way Bama can cover 30+ points is if they match up against a shit team, from a shit town, who lost half their squad to suspension for being as thuggish as the thuggish-ruggish brothers from Bone Bone Bone Bone Bone Bone Boneeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Wutcha gon’ do 6

When judgment comes fo youuuuuuuuuuu 44

Florida vs. Georgia (+14), @ Jacksonville, 3:30

EGM

THE WORLD’S LARGEST COCKTAIL PARTY! UGA has nothing going for them these days. No QB’s, dropsie receivers, injured tailbacks, and a defense on the decline doesn’t equal a Dawg victory. In fact, they will take any win they can get down the stretch. The Mighty Gators aren’t so mighty on offense but with UGA’s shit QB’s they should take at least two to the house.

Fuck Bernie Machenijad 28

Fuck Michael Adams 10

CB

UF has been spanking UGA for like 16 years now (minus the Jamie Richardson incident and the Zooker firing year) … but as my dad always told me, you can never underestimate the Bulldogs. He was watching since the 60s and shit, basically when it was a real rivalry, and he’s always tries to keep me grounded when it comes to being over confident. So while I’m looking at the Vegasites and loving to see that 14 point spread, I’m also cautious cause I don’t want to get “Auburned” this weekend … of course I won’t be there, so it’s a guaranteed WIN!! … Sorry pop … I’m taking the points and I hope we make the UGA fans so upset they will be too pissed to light up their joints …

GATORS BABY, YEA! 34

UGH-A 10

ML

World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party

My oh my, what damage a douchebag university president can do in such a small amount of time. Seriously, is a nickname for a college football game that big of a deal? Talk about wasted energy. Machenijad must really love Adams at UGA, he ALMOST makes Machenijad not look like a total douche. I’d feel really good about covering the spread if Leak wasn’t such a bitch.

Bullgs (UGA has no “D” or “O”) 13

Leak is Weak 24

Louisiana-Monroe vs. Arkansas (-37), @ Little Rock, 7

EGM

Houston Nutt and the Hawgs are rolling. I figured this line would be over 40. Toe & Krew are gonna get their run game on.

LA-NSEW 3

Woooo Pig Steamroller 58

CB

Another ULM barn burner … Faux-Kansas gets a breather before they travel to Columbia next week. They will certainly win this game, but that isn’t the question posed by our new system. Would I take that 37 point spread and run with it, or should I recognize that that’s a shit load of points and how many teams are that bad? Well you know what … I just realized that I am spending way too much time here … I mean its fucking Louie-ana-MON-roe…they blow and Ark has a sick running game. Still, that’s too many points…

ULM 13

Pretend-Kansas 47

ML

Lousiana-Monroe….the most inconsequential thing to come to Little Rock since the William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library. With teams like this coming to town, no wonder the Hawgs have only lost 1 out of 20 at War Memorial Stadium.

Lame-O 6

Hillary has Hog-like feet 41

Tennessee @ South Carolina (+5), 7:45

EGM

South Carolina has managed to win a few games lately against the dregs of the SEC. UT is coming off a big scare from a very average Bama team. Can Spur Dog work his magic against the Vols two years in a row? I don’t think so. I just don’t think the cocks have what it takes to penetrate the Vol defense. Roboaingecutcliffe should also manage a few big plays throwing to his thoroughbred wideouts. There just isn’t enough dirt to stop the shiteating Vols.

Fuck group therapy 20

Not enough cock 13

CB

Big win last week for both teams … one played an over achiever, they other played a former dynasty program. Spurrier did what he so often accomplished at UF and whupped up on the ‘Dores in Nashville, beat the spread and showed to some folks that his new team may have turned the corner for the year. Now comes a true test. The Cocks beat the Vols in Knox last time but, that was an off year for the orange hicks. This has suddenly become an ON year for UT … I like that USC is coming around, but I think Phatty McPhatterson’s team is gonna be too much for Spur-dawg…

McRib x10 33

Golf is more importantly than loyalty 17

ML

Can Phat Phil get revenge on his arch-nemesis? Can Spur Dog help out his alma mater and give them a 2 game lead? Will the Cock-A-Boose be allowed to have Booze? All these questions will be answered. However, the answer to this game lies with which stud WR will have the bigger game.

Maybe Meachem? 16

No, go with Rice 17

LSU – OFF

EGM

Hey Les, drinking whiskey and wearing a cowboy hat doesn’t make your QB any smarter.

CB

Man, its nice to have an off week after that grueling match up with Fresno St. Of course I shouldn’t talk too much shit, the meat of their schedule is coming in full force starting next week against the Vols…

ML

Geaux bleaux a geauxt….c’est vou plais

Florida State @ Maryland (+4.5), 7

EGM

Fire Bowden? Lovable Bobby! No way man. He brought you to the promised land and he wants to lose to UF ten times in a row before self imposing a death penalty on the program. Now that’s what I’m talking about! Maryland is really bad but so is NC State and half the other ACC teams. FYI: I now hate Clemson because they are currently screwing my Hammer of Thor lock against Va Tech…DAMMIT! As I was saying, I really like the Noles with their backs to the wall. NO, I really DO!

Still fast Noles 28

Still slow turtles 20

CB

I totally called FSU blowing it at home in their awesome, black, injun honoring uniforms … I find myself in a dilemma, I totally hate FSU, and that will never change, but I cannot, for the life of me, stand any team in the DC/Maryland area. The Redskins, the Ravens, the Orioles, and ESPECIALLY the Terrapins. I heard their fans rival the Noles fans for “classiness.” The angst is intense, and they fuck your cars up too during games… but the chicks aren’t nearly as hot as FSU’s … that’s not a good thing. As much as I hate Bobby and his pedophile family, I have a feeling that the Criminoles will come up with a win this week, just to confuse the boosters even more …

“Unconquered” HAHA 25

Terps 20

ML

De’Cody Fagg “sprained” his “ankle” and will be out against the Turtles. Speaking of Turtles…remember Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Of course you do. Well F$U lately reminds me of that bad guy Krang…the brain looking dude. They remind me of the times when his voice fell off and was all distorted. So yea…that’s my theory…F$U right now is a voice distortion.

KrrAANNgaaa 20

Nothing to fear about these turtles 14

Miami @ Georgia Tech (-6), 3:30

EGM

I would rather put my money on a chimpanzee knife fight than bet on cracktastic Reggie Ball. Believe it or not, the Cokeheads still have a shot in the putrid ACC and this is somewhat of a “big” game. The question is whether the Cokeheads can put together a couple of quality hours in between yeyo benders to play some football. I really don’t think the Cokeheads will win but I just don’t see the Techsters laying six on anyone with reasonable talent. Especially after getting rolled by a Clemson team that SUCKS. I HATE CLEMSON! HAMMER OF THOR DESTROYED! Sorry about that outburst. Its really hard to type when you are this angry. Now that I’m thinking about it. Tech blitzes like crazy…Kyle Wright no likey blitzes.

Kyle Wright for Heisman 13

Two picks for scores 21

CB

Shit, this goes back to my Bama/FIU pick … I’m sure the Canes players will feel right at home in fucking downtown Atlanta. I’ve been there (drunk) … it ain’t pretty. Ga Tech is looking to parlay their one loss conference record into a trip to the ACC championship. I mean this game is serious … UM also only has one loss in the conference and barring some crazy turn of events, the winner here will most likely face off against Clemson … or BC or Maryland or even the DEMON DEACONS….Vegas is totally “dissin” the hoodrats from Coral Gables … and I like it … Coker has no control over his team and any school whose president is that fucking ugly looking should lose their accreditation … sorry I don’t know where that came from … but let’s be honest, she looks like an ape…

UM MUTHER FUCKER!! 22

Jackets 30

ML

There will be a coke shortage in Hot-Lanta, especially near all the MARTA stops.

UM 14

Tech 24

Standings

That 59% by Cuzzin' Bailey is very solid. But how about everyone over 50% with 70 games total? Let's see some props...

Week IX Slate of Games

Here is this week's slate of games with lines courtesy of sportsbook.com (for entertainment purposes only). The standings have also been updated and possibly even some Bourbon Boys tailgaiting photos later today or tomorrow.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Auburn @ Ole Miss (+17), 12:30

Vanderbilt @ Duke (+10), 1

Kentucky @ Mississippi State (+2), 2:30

Florida International @ Alabama (-35.5 Stardust), 3

Florida v. Georgia (+14), @ Jacksonville, 3:30

Louisiana-Monroe v. Arkansas (-37), @ Little Rock, 7

Tennessee @ South Carolina (+5), 7:45

LSU - OFF

Florida State @ Maryland (+4.5), 7

Miami @ Georgia Tech (-6), 3:30

ZERO NO LINE GAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VIII

Malt Licker

So much for getting through the gauntlet unscathed…Luckily I didn’t make the trip, facing that drive Sunday knowing what happened the day before and knowing that it was the last day of lazy Malt Licker, I may have killed myself. That’s right Ol’ ML is now a…gasp…professional. No more going to class when I feel like it, no more boozing it up on the weekends. In a nutshell, my life is over. I hope it doesn’t affect my musings on this blog. On second thought, given my recent performances, that may be a good thing. I see I’m tied with Cuzzin’ Bailey. However, I settle for nothing less than 60%.

El Gran Mono

Public Service Message: DON’T EVER STAY AT A RED CARPET INN. Ok, I just had to say that after my stay in craptacular Opelika. And you thought the game was bad…yikes. This weekend is full of shit games but fun times at the Big Animal’s wedding should cover up their shittiness. Let the libation flow and the shit fly. And uh…SCREW THE SEC OFFICALS! Revenge awaits…

Cuzzin’ Bailey

So according to the SEC, Chris Leak fumbled right? … I mean is that what they are saying? … Cause if so, they are fucking morons … anyways, that’s all I wanted to say about that … The atmosphere was intense in Auburn, the game sucked total ass … but whatever … SO, the Gators have an off week to prepare to protect their SEC East lead starting with Georgia …but this week, we have a few games that could be very interesting despite the double digit spreads … Bama/UT for instance is an establishment in the SEC so hopefully the Tide (who have apparently given up on the season) can come to play … anyways … prepare yourself for a lackluster version of “The Bourbon Boys”…

Ole Miss at Arkansas (-17), 12:30

ML

Mr. McFadden will have a big ass hog of a day. Nutt’s boys average over 230 yards on the ground, and the O’s Rebs give up more on the ground than the Polish army in 1940. The Rebs narrowly lost to Shula’s Tide, but that is not a huge surprise. Schaeffer is quickly taking the crown as most crack-tastic QB in all the land.

Got any Rocks? 10

Noe, butt we havve plentee of elliterates 25

EGM

Here are two teams going in vastly different directions. After the USC game, I figured Arkansas would be lucky to make the MPC Computers Bowl. It turns out that they control their own destiny in the SEC Wild West and Houston Nutt may still be coaching this team next year. Ole Miss started the season with a HUGE win at Memphis State and has drove directly into a shitstorm ever since. Assuredly, the trip will end with Brent Schaeffer behind bars and Orgeron beginning his serial killer career. The Hawgs will have no problem running the ball for over 200 yards against the lowly Ole Piss defense. Ben-Jarvus may poke one in the endzone but that will be the full extent of the vaunted “We Hate to Pass” Ole Piss offense. Lay the 17 and sleep like you just got off an acid trip.

No points for shitty hair 7

Running Hawg wild 35

CB

How many weeks in a row can we talk shit about the same teams? … Should I even count playing hard against Bama as a positive sign? I really believe that this game is going to be a total blow out … I sort of like the 17 point spread, but I think that the Razorbacks, a team that went to Auburn and turned the Tigers into little bitches, are just going to unload their running game right on top and around and through this pathetic Rebel defense just like Sherman’s scorched earth policies …

RETREAT! 7

Burn Baby Burn 35

Mississippi State at Georgia (-18.5), 1

ML

Does a team that loses to Vandy at home deserve to be 18.5-point favorites? Well, all you have to do is bring in Sly’s crew. They are fresh off a big W over Jackyl State. I suspect the pRicht will be as mad as the coach of the Yankee’s in the Bad News Bears. However, I don’t see him punching Tereshinski or whatever douche they have playing QB. Therefore, any comparison of Sly’s Dawgs to those misfits from California doesn’t wash.

Bad News Dogs 6

Good News Cuz We Might Win 31

EGM

UGA is absolutely pitiful on offense. They shouldn’t be favored by more than 10 against any team in the SEC. It’s hard to score with a QB that has southern hair in his face 24/7, a QB who should be playing fullback or a QB in love with his red pubic hair. You can see Richt’s dilemma. Miss State is 2-2 in its last four games with huge wins over superpower UAB and D-IAA Jacksonville State (in Alabama). Good Ol’ Sly Croom wanted to go out with a bang so he’s moved supershitty Omarr Connor back to the QB position. The extra “R” really adds something that just plain “Omar” doesn’t have. I mean, Omar Sharif may have done OK but Omarr Connor could win at least ten AVN awards.

Sly’s Farewell Tour 10

QB Trifecta from hell 27

CB

Call me crazy, of course this may prove to be an accurate spread, but who the fuck are the d-bags making these lines? … Is Georgia really that impressive whereas they warrant a total asskicking line against another SEC school? … Okay, okay, I know this is Mississippi State we are talking about but still, the Dawgs just lost to fucking Vandy at home, also, considering the line, it begs the question, if Vandy’s sole purpose in the league is to keep the academic scores up and they are “better” than Miss State, then why the fuck are the MSU bulldogs in the conference? … What’s up run-on sentence?

Poor White Trash Dogs 14

Rich White Trash Dogs 32

Tulane at Auburn (-31.5), 2:30

ML

Fuck Auburn!

Greeeeeen Wave 6

FUCK AUBURN!!!!!!!! 40

EGM

3 ½ bars. That’s how many the Plainsmen have. While some Plainsmen dipshits may disagree, a couple Gators confronted a dimwitted Plainsman at Wal-Mart last Friday night at around 3 AM CST. Here’s how it went:

Q: How many bars do you have and name them?

A: We got lots.

Q: How many?

A: We got...uhhhh….Sky Bar….Bodega…Bourbon Street….and uhhhhh…Suppah Cluuub.

Q: Supper Club only counts as half because it’s not close to anything.

A: Well we gots….uhhh….uhhh….we got lots…

Q: Names.

A: (silence)

Yes, the Plainsmen did beat the Mighty Gators and I’m not going to make any excuses. But can the Plaismen continue to refuse to throw the ball downfield and expect to win the SEC? I doubt it. I expect a very lackluster effort against Tulane after expending every inch of backflipping energy last week.

Hurricane Refugees 10

Iced tea anyone? 41

CB

Go Green Wave!!! (Not a chance) Anyways, you know what? I am not going to do what everyone thinks I’m gonna do, and FLIP OUT!!!! I understand that bullshit calls by officials whose children attend Auburn, are part of the game. I understand that. So you really must give the Tigers their props … I mean they beat the number 2 team in the country and the crowd was really pumped … well to be honest the crowd was sitting on their thumbs until, over the loud speaker, EYE OF THE TIGER and other shitty songs were being pumped in louder than anything I have ever heard in my life … the SEC has issued a warning to the school about artificial noise … a rule that has been in effect since the mid 90s … I fucking hate them they knew it was against the rules and they broke them anyways … talk about class … Like I said before, Go Tulane …

SEC Whipping Boy 13

Cheaters 40

South Carolina at Vanderbilt (+3.5), 3

ML

How will Vandy follow-up their biggest win of the century? By getting smacked around by a bunch of Cocks.

Wangs 24

Mushroom Tattoos 14

EGM

I have officially bought into the theory that Vandy players are completely wrapped up in academics when they play home games. Their library has so many books to read and their calculators have so many functions to master. How could anyone concentrate? Spur-Dog spent his entire week drawing up plays in his 1 acre field of dirt. How can Vandy possibly compete with that?

Vanderdork √196

No like calculators 20

CB

I don’t know … I mean Vandy just went to Sanford Stadium and beat UGA for the first time in like 12 years when Gerry DiNardeaux was the head coach, you’d think they would get a little bit more respect at home against an average team. Well maybe USC isn’t just average. This game is probably going to be one of the better ones this week. And as much as I respect Vandy after their past two seasons, I just have a feeling they are going to have a let down after last week’s heroics …

Cocks 24

‘Dores 17

Alabama at Tennessee (-11), 3:30

ML

I know this game is in Tennessee, but is Phat Phil still avoiding going to the Heart of Dixie. Outside of ‘Bama/Auburn, this might be the most vitriolic rivalry in the SEC. I guess this is because Tennessee thinks they’d be the most tradition-rich team in the conference if not for the Tide. However, it might be because Alabama edges out Tenn in pork intake, klansmen, and 400 lb female residents.

Low Tide 17

Smokey Eats Elephant 31

EGM

The Third Saturday in October. Great name for a rivalry. It really shows the originality that the typical Bama/Vol fan brings to the table. I have some great quotes regarding the Tide that I received from Plainmen’ fans last week but I’m going to wait until Iron Bowl week to release them. As for the Vols, they gobbled up UGA two weeks ago much like Fulmer takes down boneless chicken wings. Ainge is red hot and the running game appears to be better with Foster back in the lineup. No one wants to play UT right now, no one. John Parker Average seems to be the only option in big games for the Tide these days because Ken Darby fell into a black hole. The Vols will give up some points but there is no stopping their stud tandem of wideouts. Is it bad if Shula’s plays are written in crayon?

More of a Magenta Tide 17

Ainge for Heisman? 30

CB

You know something stupid? (wow I’m not calling YOU stupid, I meant, do you want to “hear something stupid”….wow again, I mean I’m, never mind).. I was totally about tp write about how this is such a huge rivalry, but since 1994, Alabama is like 3-9 against the Vols. Even the Bear lost in his last year (1982) to UT … Sure I’m leaving out that from 86 to 92 it was all Tide and if it weren’t for Antonio Langham Bama wouldn’t have had to forfeit the 93 “tie” for a loss … but since SEC football became what it is today with the era of Spurrier bringing, God forbid, passing to the Conference, the archaic offense of the Crimson Tide has faltered left and right … Considering this and the fact that UT is on a resurging tear, I wouldn’t expect this one to be in contention in the fourth quarter, but since it’s a rivalry game, shit I don’t know, I guess I’ll go against the spread…

Rammer Jammer 20

Vols are for real? 28

Fresno State at LSU (-32.5), 9

ML

Man…Fresno a 30+-point underdog. Is Trent Dilfer’s dead son playing QB????? I thought that Pat Hill dude had a decent team. Apparently I was wrong. YIKES!!! They are 1-5 and lost to Utah State. Maybe old Pat should look into bringing in Jackyl St.

Calif Dogs 10

Bayou Bitches 45

EGM

Hmmm…night game in Death Valley…LSU destroying everyone not named Auburn or Florida…I’d lay 40 points.

Cali man 7

Teuxchdeuxwn 48

CB

Another “barn burner” in Baton Rouge … I swear it seems these Tigers have played more craptastic teams so far than anyone … I hope JarJarQuarterback can keep his head on for this game …

The other FSU 10

LSU 45

Florida – OFF

ML

I’m too angry to say anything else, but I hope whoever sat next to Lizard Boy Leak and Wilbur didn’t smell the shit in their pants or step in the piss streaming down their legs

EGM

Regroup and let the five game reign of terror begin. BREAK

CB

Well, its time to regroup and win out … the SEC East is still ours … Next on the radar: The Georgia Bulldogs … I can’t wait til Lindsay Scott and Buck Belue DIE!

Kentucky – OFF

ML

This makes me think of the old proverb. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a noise????

EGM

Rich Brooks gets a week off to fine tune his ten year rebuilding effort.

CB

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this season was over before it began … (p.s. I didn’t mean for that to rhyme so shut the hell up!)

Boston College at Florida State (-4.5), 3:30

ML

I recall a time when you’d have to make some off-color joke about Doug Flutie coming back for BC to have a chance against FSU. Now they are less than a touchdown underdog. Part of me thinks this is sad. I mean, you have this college in the uncaring Northeast with a chance against a former power from THE state of college football. I compare FSU to the Ottoman Empire on the eve of WW1. A once great power that is finally coming to grips with the fact that they are no longer a power. One can only hope that they will split up into tribes like the Arabs and languish in squalor for a century.

Hail Maryyyyyyy 24

Please though, no suicide bombings 17

EGM

Props go to Malt Licker for hitting www.dannysheridan.com for the line. Why he was checking out that site, I do not know. Maybe that’s why he’s in the lead? Maybe he’s a degenerate gamble? Whatever…oh yeah, FSU-BC. The Nole$ suck ass in all facets of the game and another loss would put them out of ACC Coastal Division contention. Circle the wagons? I don’t think so. BC isn’t terrible. FSU is having trouble against any team that isn’t terrible. Book em Dano.

Golden Showers for the FSU Sluts 24

The wrath of the Ugly Bowden continues 17

CB

I’m surprised that the Noles are favored over anyone these days … All I really care about is their match up at the end of the season, but it looks to me that one more loss out of the Criminoles, and they are pretty much done for the ACC championship … I say it happens this week …

Bahston Cahllage 22

FSU 21

Miami at Duke (+17.5), 1

ML

I don’t know what is more idiotic: the brawl; people being surprised and disgusted by the brawl; Lamar Thomas’ comments from the booth; People being surprised that Lamar Thomas would make such comments; or the fact that Puke is making an appearance on this blog for the 3^rd time in a row.

Thug U 31

Can’t Spell Douckhe without Duke 10

EGM

Cokehead players got into a fight during last week’s game. Surprised? I think not. What else would you expect from a bunch of dudes fresh off 72 hour yeyo benders? They can only hold it together for so long. I expect the Cokehead players to look even more worn out this week given their Friday night matchup with the Durham strippers. I’d set the over/under on crack pipe burns at 23. The Dookies suck ass. Suspensions or not, I’d take the shitty Cokeheads every time in this game.

“That’s just chalk on my nose, Coach” 31

Coach “Special” K lovers 13

CB

I have two words for Miami, Class-Y. What’s that? One word? … Oh well whatever…Hey nice suspensions … one fucking guy gets the brunt of it? Was it the stomper or the tomahawk guy? This morning I heard the UM prez, Donna Shalala get caught in a lie and got totally called out by the sports radio hosts … well she got called out after the conversation was over, but still it was funny. Man, I feel bad for the ACC. Their nice, safe, passive football seasons are over and done with. No more subpar games with minimal attendance, you know, a big love fest … Now UM has brought in anger and violence to the land of happiness and tranquility … I hope the ACC implodes. Speaking of imploding … Lamar Thomas has just solidified himself in the douchebag hall of fame … oh yea, if I thought that Duke had a chance of winning this game, I would have mentioned it…

Brawl U 45

Puke 20

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Take Note

We will be using dannysheridan.com's Florida State -4 1/2 line. He's the only one with balls enough to give a spread. So we figured with our big balls, we would pick against it. (for entertainment purposes only). HAPPY THURSDAY MORNING!

Hypocrisy and Hatred of Fun

Below I have posted University of Miami Premier Shalala's response to the gang warfare that occurred on Saturday night. Being a Miami grad (yes, I'm a little embarrassed by it), I have received a letter like this before. That letter was in response to Miami accepting Willie Williams to the university despite his lengthy criminal record and penchant for destruction of innocent fire extinguishers.

The real funny part lies in Generalisimo Shalala's quest to root alcohol from Miami's campus. Accept multiple offenders? No problem. Slap on the wrists for embarrassing the university? No problem. Drink a beer legally with friends on campus? Absolutely unacceptable.

And yes, I'm bitter. Its the whole anti-college life mentality that is taking over everywhere, including my beloved University of Florida. Where does it stop, piss tests every Monday morning? I'm tired of elitist assholes like Shalala and Machen.








October 16, 2006

To the University Community:

Saturday's on-field melee has no place at the University of Miami.

What happened Saturday night at the Orange Bowl was outrageous. Regardless of who started it, this was an embarrassing display of unsportsmanlike behavior. Fortunately there were no injuries.

FIU President Mitch Maidique and I talked by phone shortly after the incident on Saturday night. We both expressed deep disappointment and apologized to each other on behalf of our institutions.

What was envisioned as an opportunity for two hometown teams to provide an evening of athletic competition resulted in a brawl that brought embarrassment to the teams, our universities, and our community.

The University of Miami simply will not tolerate or condone this type of behavior. Period. We expect the best from our students. Indeed we hold all of them to a high standard of personal conduct.

The one bright light is that the thousands of students from both institutions who attended the game behaved in exemplary fashion and kept their seats and their heads.

On Sunday the Atlantic Coast Conference conducted an independent review of the incident. As a result of that review, last night the ACC and the University of Miami announced that 13 student-athletes have been suspended for the game this coming weekend.

The ACC maintains rigorous behavioral and academic standards for student-athletes. We are satisfied with their decision.

Sincerely,

Donna E. Shalala
President

Office of the President
P.O. Box 248006 Coral Gables, Florida 33124-4600
305-284-5155 Fax 305-284-3768

Week VIII Slate of Games and Random Comments

The standings have been updated and I have officially overcome thoughts of murdering the Jerden-Hare replay official and/or Chris Leak. This weeks games are incredibly average but this weekend's festival of the Big Dumb Animal's marriage to the prettiest/smartest girl ever to attend Va Tech should be awesome. I just wish today was Friday. Additionally, Week VIII's games have been posted below with Tuesday morning lines (for entertainment purposes only).

Ole Miss @ Arkansas (-17), 12:30

Mississippi State @ Georgia (-18.5), 1

Tulane @ Auburn (-31.5), 2:30

South Carolina @ Vanderbilt (+3.5), 3

Alabama @ Tennessee (-11), 3:30

Fresno State @ LSU (-32.5), 9

Florida - OFF

Kentucky - OFF

Boston College at Florida State (Offline), 3:30 WEIRD

Miami at Duke (+17.5), 1

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC – Week VII

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Well in my return to the Swamp ’06, we celebrated another fan-fucking-tastic time. It made me remember the good ol’ days of college … sometimes I wish I were back, most of the time I realize, however, that I doubt I could handle it these days haha … Anyways, another realization that occurred to me was why we generally stayed away from the Salty Dog on the Friday nights before games…that place was like a zoo…a fucking claustrophobic’s nightmare….anyways…the game was phenomenal, and now I’m rolling the dice and heading to Aww-burn this weekend to see if the Gators can continue the trend…GO GATORS!!!

Malt Licker

The Malt Licker would love to make an appearance on the Plains. However, he is starting a new career on Monday and feels it would be unwise to start it off after a bender-weekend. I am worried that the karma effect could hinder the accuracy of my picks. I am really only worried about one pick though….I think you all know what I’m talking about.

El Gran Mono

I’ll never forget walking out of JEEERDAN Hare in the driving rain and that stupid fuck in the camo vest putting his arm around me and saying: “Boy, I guess you better sell dem tickets to the Fiesta Bowl”.

EGM: “We are going to win the rest of our games and go to the national title”

Hick Plainsdouche: “Wha?”

EGM: “You heard me”

Well, we didn’t win all our games, dammit Travis Stephens. But I got one thing to say…PAYBACK IS A BITCH!

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Vanderbilt at Georgia (-13.5), 12:30

CB

What is up with UGA??? Barely beat two dogshit teams and then got totally smoked last week! I don’t like the fact that Vegas seems to think this is a new Bulldog team…are they fucking stupid? … Anyways, Vandy lost to Ole Miss last week so I’m not saying they are going to upset Georgia IN Athens, but I do think they will be in this game longer than they should …

Dorks 17

Stoners 27

ML

Wow…so much for that vaunted UGA defense. Nice 51 bomb…I wonder if it harkens back memories to Spur-Dog dropping the hammer on them and Ray Goff. Had the pRicht not been the benefit of 2 kick returns, it would have been as ugly as that time. As it stands now, I think the Dawgs might be supremely pissed off, and they’ll take it out on the Doremats.

Vandy Sucks 14

UGA Blows 30

EGM

I had a sneaky suspicion that the Vols were a lot better than people thought and that UGA was really overrated. The only thing worse than the Dawgs passing game is Richt’s haircut. Please tell me how Floppy Stafford is better than TEBOW (must be spelled in all caps, lest ye anger the TEBOW). JT III is absolutely terrible and Firecrotch isn’t any better. Good thing the Dawgs have some stud tailbacks or else they probably would have lost a couple games before the UT debacle. As for Vandy, they pretty much have nothing going for them except a decent tailback with a hyphenated name. UGA will force the issue with their defense, special teams and all around bad haircuts in order to cover up the points.

But dude, its GRE season 3

Lumpkin & Brown 21

SE Missouri State at Arkansas (NL), 2

CB

Hmmmm, I’m not sure if I like the fact that the ‘Backs upset Auburn last weekend…I mean I like seeing hated teams lose, but I don’t like seeing our schedule weaken in the process … anyways, Arkansas ran all over a supposedly “good” defense…so how do you think they are going to do against a shitty one? … I say really well …REALLY well…

Souf East Mizzou 3

South East Kansas 53

ML

The Big Nutt burst Auburn’s bubble, and no doubt disappointed Cuzzin’ Bailey. Although, his irrational hatred for Nutt has provided much fodder for his ire on this blog, so maybe he’s glad Houston is sticking around. I’m a big fan of guys with first names of cities. Houston Nutt, Dallas Winston, ummmm…I can’t think of any others.

Show Me at least 1 pt 3

Nutts about being 1^st in the West 38

EGM

I never expected Arkansas to beat AWWBUNNN. I figured the Plainsmen had a decent defense but I guess I was wrong. Toe McFadden and his boys took down the Plainsmen like speakeasy keepers picking off members of the Women’s Temperance Movement. This game won’t be close…EVER.

Redhawk pride 0

1^st in the West 42

Jacksonville State at Mississippi State (NL), 2:30

CB

Wow another “No Line” game … I’m real jacked up about this one … I am going to predict that this is the last game that the shitty Bulldogs win ALL season … sorry I’m mailing this game in yall … its just so GD boooring…

JSU 14

MSU 37

ML

I’m sure we’ve all played the wow…how bad do you have to be to earn a “no line” mark against Mississippi State? So I advise you to scroll down…..

Jaguars St 6

Piss St 41

EGM

Miss State looks to fare better against these Gamecocks. Oh yeah, Miss State blows.

Not so cocky 3

Shitty Dawgs 38

Ole Miss at Alabama (-14.5), 3:30

CB

Let’s see, Bama blew it in their only two tests of the year, however they beat “Duke” last week. Now as a reward, they get a visit from the Conference shit fairy … Ole Miss is on a tear after beating Vandy for their only SEC win this year…Lets see if the football game rivals the contest of which school has the southern most fratastic mops … well, that will hands down go to the Mississippi … so they have that going for them …

A School without a Mascot 13

A School with a Shitty Mascot 20

ML

Big Ed Orgeron comes off his first SEC win of the year to face an ass-kicking at the hands of the yellow hammer. I don’t think this will be a huge ass-kicking, just a Shula-esque ass-kicking.

Ole Piss 10

Crimson Tide 24

EGM

Bama is an enigma wrapped in a riddle rapped in an enigma. They can look absolutely fantastic for two seconds and then almost lose to Vanderbilt the next. Ole Miss has bookended victories around four terrible losses. For some reason, the Crimson Slack Tide can’t seem to put anyone away and the running game has gone nonexistent. All of those things spell no cover.

Don’t give me any of that Ole´ bullshit 14

John Parker Average 28

Florida at Auburn (-1), 7:45

CB

Florida’s schedule from hell makes a stop in the land that education forgot: Auburn, AL. Last night I was thinking to myself, you know, how many times in my life will I be able to just drop everything, and spontaneously get a plane ticket, rental car, and a “ducket” to the game? … So, I’m flying to ATL to hit up the SEC game of the week!! Do I think this is a good idea considering my road record isn’t exactly stellar…probably not. This whole scenario is like finding a TV in the checkout line at Publix and saying “eh, why not?” …Lets just hope the TV actually works when you get home right? … Am I right or what? Anyways, the game looks to be one for the ages. Auburn is coming off a loss to Arkansas at home … and the Gators have avenged two mid-season losses from last year. Both teams have A LOT riding on this … with the resurgence of UT’s offense, its clear that UF must continue to win and one more loss for these Tigers could spell disaster with Arkansas only having two more tests with both at home … I like that (at the time this was set up) the Gators are underdogs … this is the way I like it …

Plainsbitches 16

GATORS BABY!!! 27

ML

Can the impossible trip through the gauntlet continue???? The Plainsmen are coming off a major beating at home, and the beloved Gators are coming off a huge and emotional victory against a “more talented” team at home. Seems like the set-up game of all set-up games. However, the Gators have an extremely solid defense that trumps all. I honestly don’t believe that Auburn is as good as conventional wisdom says. I see a trick by the Riverboat Gambler backfiring, leading to another huge Gator victory.

GATORS!!!!! 27

Kitty-cats 12

EGM

I must admit, I really wish the Plainsmen were undefeated. But instead they decided not to play any defense for an entire game and somehow expect to win. So here’s how this game goes, The Plainsmen can’t throw and want to run the ball real bad, Florida can stop anyone from running the ball, the Plainsmen defense is weak, Leak-TEBOW-Wynn-Baker-Caldwell-Pastor Cornelius-PERCY! and the most important matchup, 2/3 of the Bourbon Boys with the Gator krew in tow versus the pussy ass, tall walleted, alcohol hating town that is AWBUUUUNN. I can’t wait to take my seat in JERDAN-Hare Stadium, stare down the Bobby Lowder wannabes and destroy their season. Pray for a 30 knot wind bitches.

Revenge of the Gator 31

Um, we’ll play UGA every year 13

Kentucky at LSU (-26), 8

CB

Kensucky, Kensucky, Kensucky ….this just isn’t your year … it pains me to see how pathetic this team is … the only silver lining in your future is that with Miss. St., Vandy, and Louisiana Monroe, on your schedule, you have a chance of becoming bowl eligible…What can I say about LSU? You got beat bitch!! … I was there it was extra sweet hearing all the shit talk we were getting before the game and knowing how “great’ you must have felt when the game was pretty much put away in the 3^rd quarter … oh yea, tell your jackass cracktastic QB to stop leaving his keys in his car HAHA…

Mildcats 14

LSU 37

ML

The pseudo-southern/Midwestern kitties will take on the angry psuedo-southern/Cajun hurricane refugee kitties at “death” valley. I love how these teams have two of the most generic nicknames possible. I guarantee there are over 15,000 different Tigers/Wildcat nicknames for sports teams across the country. LSU can’t even come up with an original name for their stadium, as they share Death Valley with Clemzon. Meanwhile, I just don’t think UK is 26 points worse than LSWho?

Nice Football Team 13

Nice Levees 33

EGM

The Tigers slammed the switch into self destruct mode after the fumbled snap on the goal line last week. Their defense is ridiculously aggressive and will destroy anything the Rich Brooks rebuilding effort has to offer. Andre “Of Ambiguous Race” Woodson has put some nice games together against shit teams but LSU will own him like a gimp.

Wild Kitties 7

JaFumbles 38

South Carolina – OFF

CB

Guy Fawkes is leading his team into a world of hurt in the second half of this season … UT, Ark, UF, Clemzin???... sucks to be a cock

ML

Nice Strategeric bye before Vandy. Although the Cocks are inconsistent and may need it….

EGM

Can you have a blackout without an actual game?

Tennessee – OFF

CB

Big win against UGA … it must be nice to waste all that momentum on a bye week HAHA

ML

Big Phat Phil will be grubbing on some ribs with reckless abandon

EGM

I smell an All-You-Can-Eat Weekend.

Florida State at Duke (+23), 3:30

CB

Could this be the year that FSU finally collapses and loses to the worst team this side of the Mississip? Duke is getting no respect at home against a bunch of total psychopaths and that is probably accurate … this year we have seen the Criminoles flounder against teams like Troy, Miami and Clemzin … and NC STATE!! I forgot about that hahaha … I know youre thinking, “how did you forget about that?...it was just a week ago?” well, news flash….I was in GAINESVILLE this weekend! I can barely remember my name haha … anyways game … Duke sucks … 23 is a lot of points … I say take the line … I have no idea.

FSU 34

Puke 10

ML

Duke 2 times in a row on the Bourbon Boys Blog. Unfortunately, Coach K’s last name is much more complex than Jeff Bowden’s “playbook.”

Criminole$ 34

Puke 10

EGM

The Nole$ are putting together another midseason losing streak and wasting all kinds of talent. What’s the problem? Ugly Kid Bowden? Check. Papa Bowden? Check. Idiotic Fans? Check. Duke sucks.

Got any strippers to rape? 35

Midnight madness hangover 7

Florida International at Miami (-28.5), 7

CB

So El Gran Mono introduced me to this phenomenal Hispanic broad from Univision this week named Mayra Veronica … I’m thinking she probably resides in Miami and shit … Anyways, for a second I took my eyes off her “gallery” and I saw in her bio she went to Florida International … so now we know she is hot and stupid too … anyways, this is another test for Miami …is it just me or have they played like 5 total crap teams this year? Where do they get off?

FIU 3

UM 48

ML

This spread should be the over/under…..I’ll take the over….barely

Golden Panthers 3

Slurricanes 26

EGM

El Panteros de Oro contra El Huracan de Mierda. Prediction: There will be more Pantero fans then Huracan fans. I didn’t think Miami could cover any spread but they managed to beat the shitbox Tarheels by 20 last week. I have no idea what to think about this game other than I’m glad I’m going to be 500 milos away from it.

THE U – International style 14

THE U – Wasting talent style 27

Comments, morning hate, general newspeak. Direct that shit to bourbonboyspicks@yahoo.com.

Updates, updates, updates

The standings have been updated. Everyone is still over 50% (for entertainment purposes only). A special congrats to Malt Licker and Cuzzin' Bailey who are tearing it up at a 60% and 56% respectively.

In even better news, Cuzzin' Bailey will be in attendance at the center of prohibition country this weekend along with yours truly. Now if we can only convince Malt Licker to keep the good karma going.

Is anyone pumped up yet?

Week VII Slate of Games

Here is this week's slate of games with lines courtesy of Sportsbook.com (for entertainment purposes only).

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Vanderbilt @ Georgia (-13.5), 12:30

SE Missouri @ Arkansas (NL), 2

Jacksonville State @ Mississippi State (NL), 2:30

Ole Miss @ Alabama (-14.5), 3:30

Florida @ Auburn (-1), 7:45

Kentucky @ LSU (-26), 8

South Carolina - OFF

Tennessee - OFF

Florida State @ Duke (+23), 3:30

Florida International @ Miami (-28.5), 7

On a side note, the gathering of the Bourbon Boys last week produced a victory, massive binge drinking and overall happiness. I'll hold down the fort this week in the dreaded center of the prohibitionist plains - JEEEERDDDEN-HARE STADIUM

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VI

El Gran Mono

Revenge Week II begins and LSU is set for some serious revenge. Additionally, all three Bourbon Boys will be in attendance at the game. If you wish to tailgate with us, then drop us a line if you have the privilege of knowing our number or drop an email to bourbonboyspicks@yahoo.com. I really hope no one decides drinking is a fun thing to do this weekend because Bernie Machenijad will slam you down with his teatotaling, iron fist. Happy Birthday Cuzzin’ Bailey. Are you 30 yet?

Cuzzin’ Bailey

What up gang? My b-day is this week … woohoo…I don’t know … not to jacked about leaving the “mid-20s” …anyways, the Gators came up HUGE last week on defense and took Alabama down to Chinatown … its always nice to get shit talked to you all week and being relatively quiet and humble about them and then win and then NOT be the bigger man and rub that shit in … that is the nature of a good Christian right? .. haha … oh yea … big scandal going on up here in DC … I am of course talking about how those sneaky Republicans (I’m a Republican) attached a bill screwing up internet gambling to a bill everyone HAD to vote for … I hate John McCain for that … anyways, no more politics … big week ahead here folks … Revenge Week Numero Dos … lets get to the picks …

Malt Licker

Well yours truly has taken a 2-game lead in the picks (for entertainment purposes only) thus far. However, in the topsy-turvy world of picking ATS, the lead is quite precarious. Not as precarious as Bernie Macheninajad and his campaign to squeeze the fun out of the college football experience. Oh, how I long for the days of J. Vince Lombardi. I think his tenure is the last time I’ve had an Oreo cookie as well.

Thursday, October 5, 2006

Florida State at NC State (+10.5), 7:45

EGM

The Boobs Bowl. Chuck Amato’s vs Bobby Bowden’s. NC State is usually a pretty average team. I take that back, they are usually an underachieving team. But something happens when they play FSU…its like Amato’s man boobs have special powers against the Nole$. The Criminoles have no ability to run and aren’t that good at passing. The good part is that NC State isn’t good at those things either. I’m basing my prediction on superior thugs.

No rep type thugs 24

Gang raping thugs 10

CB

NC State lost to Alcorn …or Akron or who gives a shit … that’s how important that game was to me … all I know is this: NC State lost to that shitty team AT HOME, then beat BC …BC beat Clemson, Clemzin in turn beat FSU … there is something to be said when there is that much conformity between teams in a conference … either A) they are all that good that one team is going to HAVE to lose (see SEC)… or B) all of them are that awful that one of them HAS to win … I think that’s the case in the ACC these days… they all suck crank to the point that fucking Wake Forest is the only undefeated team in there … I love how FSU is playing Thursday games now … that pretty much solidifies your status as a bush league team … I fucking hate the Noles …GO PACK!

FSU 30

NC State 23

ML

It’s the Bowden-Amato Bowl!!! AKA the senile redneck v. the bra-needing, ruby slipper-wearing, squeaky-voiced freak. Both these teams are coming off of bye weeks. Chuck’s boys have won 3 out of 5, and their campus will be rocking as the hated Noles come to town. I must admit, I’m a bit distracted. My mind is transfixed on the Gator Game. Sorry, back to this game. What an intense ACC classic this will be. Chock full of false-starts, sacks, runs for losses, and boneheaded INTs. Who will make less bone-headed plays?????

Semen-holes 19

Shit-pack 13

Saturday, October 7, 2005

Arkansas at Auburn (-15.5), 12

EGM

The Plainsmen are clearly looking ahead to next week’s possible Top 5 matchup with the Gators. I have no proof of that, but I just think they are. Nutt really needs to win this game. Unfortunately, Mustain just isn’t good enough to beat anyone who is half-ass.

Toe McFadden 14

What’s that in the distance? 28

CB

This is indeed an interesting sight …backwards overall wearing rednecks versus the Gucci wearing rednecks … how will these two breeds interact? Will there be any cross-breeding? Will the folks from Fayetteville bring enough booze to deal with the snotty tall-walleted-having uber-preps?? El Gran Mono always talks about how they didn’t drink very much … and while I can attest that it was virtually impossible to find 4 bars in that God-forsaken city those two times I went there, I guess I didn’t notice how little the Tigers fans drink…I do remember EGM falling off of his stool … that was funny … oh yea … game … there is a good chance that the Plainsmen are going to be looking past this game … esp if the they are favored by so much … I like Arkansas to beat this spread … I absolutely hate Houston Nutt though … damn the conflict!...

Wooo Pig Suuuuuuuey! 23

“Yalls in Awwbun” 29

ML

Nutty McNutt brings the Hogs to the plains. The Riverboat Gambler saw his team escape Columbia, thanks in large part to a ballsy onside kick in the 3^rd quarter. However, Auburn’s defense was exposed by the quick passing game of the Cocks. Fortunately, they are facing Mitch Cumstain, and their defense is more powerful than the scotchguard of a DC intern’s dress.

Not Hoggetown 14

Amping up for next week 27

Vanderbilt at Ole Miss (+1.5), 2

EGM

Wow, Vandy is a favorite on the road in the SEC! The sad part is that Ole Piss is that bad. Bad enough where the Egg Bowl may actually be interesting this year. Firing Cutcliffe has really helped Ole Piss not compete for SEC Titles. Well, that and allowing Brent Schaeffer to transfer in and start.

We love calculators 13

Calculated bad hair 10

CB

Vander-douche is favored again!! God I hate Ole Miss…I hate Eli Manning … and Archie is such a loser … How embarrassing to be HOME Dogs to a smart school … I mean is anyone even coaching Ole Miss … they fired a great offensive head coach and ever since they have been a fucking joke … I’m betting (figuratively) that the Rebels’ cracktastic quarterback throws 3 picks and leads his team to another big L …

Vandie 25

Oil of Olay Miss 13

ML

This game would be cooler if everyone from Vandy shaved their head, even the girls (none of them are hot anyway). The dichotomy would be stunning.

Commode-dores 17

Ole Piss 19

West Virginia at Mississippi State (+25), 2:30

EGM

The Mountaineers are completely overrated. They have ZERO passing attack and have played no one. Mississippi State is one of the worst teams in the country but even with no bars and no beer they should be able to cover 25 points at home.

Inbred fast dudes 35

Inbred slow dudes 11

CB

Look … the Mountaineers are totally overrated … in that they are not a top 5 team … however … thanks to their shitbox schedule they will probably lose like one game MAX…speaking of shitbox … Mississippi State is playing up to expectations this year … getting this crap kicked out of them week in and week out … this would be the perfect year for them to play UF at home … too bad they don’t … this is going to be another one of those games where those fucking old reporters from LA who don’t even watch the games go “wow did you see that West Virginia score? … That team is legit”…

WVA 60

MSU 10

ML

Unfortunately, this Big East power’s exposure to the SEC is like experiencing a Mons Venus with temporary blindness. Rich Rodriguez and his spread offense will silence all cowbells.

Couch Burning Mountain Hicks 44

No-Spread Covering Southern Hicks 10

LSU at Florida (+2), 3:30

EGM

The battle between the two best teams in the SEC. That statement just made every Auburn fan shit. “But we beat LSU AND we went undefeated two years ago.” Yeah well, LSU completely blew it against the Plainsmen and two years ago is still two years ago. Live in the now. These teams feature the best two defenses in the league and the best two passing attacks. That tells me the running game will be the difference. Can KeshhTAAN and the Vampire spell DeShawn? This game reminds me of when we played the Vols without Earnest Graham…

Bayou Talented Trash 17

KestAAAN = Gillespie 16

CB

I know its been like 9 years, but I still can’t forget the first time I went to LSU for a game … there I was … a happy go lucky freshman at UF … I had the whole world in front of me … we were all walking to Tiger Stadium … and some big, fat Cajun son of a bitch stands in front of us and says in the thickest fakest hick/French accent, “Hey you Gatah fan … we got some fried alligator over by da port-o-let” … God I hate that guy … anyways, I have extreme hatred for the Tigers …I mean I have friends who are elesyou fans, they are cool, but the team and all the fans I don’t know… I really can’t stand them … I want them all to go to hell … I know I haven’t talked about the game … but all I can say is, if we can contain Jar-Jar Binks Russell … get him flustered and have him start heaving the ball around like a fucking nimrod, we should be alright … he has no composure when that happens … remember the Auburn game? … I think we have the talent to do that to him too …could be a long day for the Cajun Cats …

LSU 17

Gatahs 29

ML

The Worldwide Leader has decided that it would be absurd to plant Gameday at a spot other than God’s Country. Kirk gets to show some lucky coed patrons at the Swamp his kirk, Fowler can show off his yachting technique, and Corso can show off his new eyelift. This is the biggest game at the Swamp since I was a Senior (5^th year) in 2001. The Gators are home underdogs, as everyone seems to expect the Tigers D to hold us back. The key to the game, with Wynn gimpy, is whether Percy Mutha-Fuckin’ Harvin can play at full strength. If he can, and provides 2 or 3 big plays, the Gators will win.

#2 Defense 10

#4 Defense 16

Duke at Alabama (-29), 7

EGM

Bama played extremely hard against the Mighty Gators last weekend and were actually the victims of a few bad calls. They are probably so mad that Baby Shula will actually break out the playbook with 5 decent plays. Duke sucks. Take that Dicky V.

Dork losers 3

Pissed off 35

CB

You know what I love? The Gators handled Bama last weekend but all I have heard all week was how lucky UF got, and how great Bama is … Its so fucking stupid … anyways, this week they have the perfect opponent…after getting bitch slapped, they get to do a little slapping of their own ... Duke’s best game this year was a loss to Wake Forest haha … this line is a little big for a team that just realized their season is over …

Puke 13

Bammer 34

ML

It’s hard enough coming up with new ways to insult Duke the 2 times they appear on this blog regularly. I suppose I could suggest they suit up the renegade Lacrosse team to take on the Sliding Tide. However, that might fire up some of the brothas on Bama’s D, leading not only to overwhelming defeat, but perhaps even death.

Leave the Poles with Nets Attached at Home 3

Finally an Offensive explosion 34

South Carolina at Kentucky (+6.5), 7

EGM

Why hasn’t Syvelle Newton been playing all year? He almost single handedly took down the Plainsmen. I’m disappointed the Spurdog didn’t notice his awesomeness earlier. Maybe he used bar fighting ability as a criteria for starting. Kentucky barely beat a directional school last week and they have huge problems with screens and short passes. Bad things man, Syvelle loves the short passing action…

Getting cocky on the road 28

At least ESPN likes Rich Brooks 20

CB

Coach Spurrier and the Cocks travel to the land of lovely blondes and basketball…6.5 spread huh? …I would say that now that Carolina has shown some offense against a quality team, the Cocks are probably going to be ready to rock. I really want to see what USC has got as the game against the Gators looms in mid-November…

Cocks 35

Kensucky 23

ML

Simply put, the evil genius doesn’t lose in Lexington. He doesn’t even lose if he’s trailing with 30 seconds left and relying on a red-shirt freshman QB from Ft Walton Beach connecting with a red-shirt sophomore in the closing seconds.

Scrambling Syvelle 28

Oreo Woodson 17

Tennessee at Georgia (+2.5), 7:45

EGM

JT III is a terrible quarterback. He’s the 2006 version of Dan Kendra. I’m surprised he hasn’t been cited for blowing things up in buckets and/or hogging all the 1,000 lbs plates at the gym. If you think JT III is good, then wipe the hair out of your eyes and have someone spray mace directly into them. UGA almost lost last week to Ole Piss and their running game seems to be dwindling despite Lumpkin’s solid effort. I really see Tennessee stacking up against the run despite their serious injuries. I expect Ainge to have a huge day even if UGA hits him. Cutcliffe will stick to the AJ Suggs offense with lots of clapping pre-snap, screen passes, counter plays, and sprint draws. These things usually work….

Orange shitty dogs 17

Red shitty dawgs 14

CB

What an interesting situation we have here…it seems that lately the home team has always been favored in this game…but here we are with UGA being put in the same situation as the Gators … home dogs … I’m surprised, I’m not surprised … UGA is undefeated, yet have been struggling horribly lately … UT is the biggest bunch of shit heads around … but they are certainly not awful at football … and did you see Fulmer by the way? … I think the fatass has lost some weight … I wonder, are the McRibwich jokes still apropos? … Maybe … but we can probably knock out the part about extra Ranch dipping sauce … I’m sure the initial pint is enough for him to wash down the ribbity goodness …

Fatty 22

Doggy 20

ML

UGA has been walking the tight-rope these past few weeks against inferior competition. This is the week we learn whether they were playing down to their competition, or if they just suck. The pRicht has turned to the Polish Assassin and the object of Verne Lundquist’s man-love, Joe Tereshinski. I wonder if Verne will opt out of covering UF-LSU so he can go to Athens and cover his boy. Who knew a Norwegian commentator’s love for a Polish QB would surpass Phat Phil’s love for Polish Sausage.

Mmmmmm….Sausage (pork) 24

Mmmmmm….Sausage (QB) 20

North Carolina at Miami (-19), 12

EGM

The COKEheads looked absolutely crappy last week. They had to comeback in the fourth quarter to beat a stunningly, average Houston team. The best part is how few people were in the stands and how COKEhead “fans” have given up on the season and started talking about how awesome they are going to be next year. Bad news…Kyle Wright is still expected to be at QB and you still have no wideouts. Notice to Cokehead “fans”: buy some shitty yeyo and a bad hotel room, blackout for the weekend, look in the mirror and then kill yourself. I’d take St Pete High School getting points against Da U right now.

Anyone 10

More like Miami “Late Afternoon Breeze” 28

CB

FINALLY …. This is the fucking game I have been waiting all week to write about!!! … YES….UNC perennial powerhouse against the up and coming Hurricanes … I’ll tell you what…UM has a serious fan base … sure only about half the folks that go there actually realize they have a football team, and half of those are too coked out to remember most of the games…but hell, think about all the Cubanos that attend … and hoodlums…you put all those folks in a shitbox of a stadium and what you have is pure gold … the Heels fans better be ready for a culture shock … I wish I could see the looks on their faces …

Powder Blue 14

Did you say powder? 34

ML

Miami -19? The only possible explanation is that this is the expected difference in fans. UNC should bring about 3,450 of their wine and cheese eating, sweater over shoulder wearing, douchebag fans. While Miami will have 3,431 coke snorting, louis vuitton handbag toting, frosty haired, scumbag fans. There is no way Miami scores enough to cover this spread.

Heels 14

Co-Caness 24