Malt Licker
If only I wagered exclusively on Gators games, I’d be at 100%. I had no worries going into the UT game, and from the opening kickoff, no worries turned into absolutely no worries. It was tremendous seeing phat phil stomp around like an oversized angry toddler. It was even better watching a sea of puke orange evacuate Neyland like a hurricane was coming. The Auburn/LSU game was entertaining as always, although much more high-scoring than I envisioned. I believe Bowden and F$U should write DC and try to get one of these bailouts the Fed seems to be handing out like candy.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Big time win last week! The Vuls fans were outtie 5000 circa the end of the 3rd quarter, and let me tell you, HD makes your fan base’s allegiance look that much classier! On a side note that doesn’t involve college football (the horror), the Rays will hopefully have clinched the AL East by the time you read this! Anyways, great weekend of sports last week with the Rays getting in the playoffs, the USA defeating the scumbag Euro-trash in the Ryder Cup and the Bucs playing a little pitch and catch to defeat da’ Bearsss up in Chi-cah-go. Anyways, FSU lost, and I’m ready to hand them the “throwing in the towel” towel for this season. No offense for the Wake Skanks, but FSU could have and UF would have scored like 30 on the Deacs last weekend. That game was sloppy. Well this weekend the Mighty Gators are back at home for a little southern cooking. The Ole Miss Rebs with their new coach come to the Swamp to see just how good (or shitty) Jevan Snead really is…
El Gran Mono
Last week I was called out for various predictions that were deemed to be too harsh and overly critical by a few of the readers. As a disciple of change with hope for a better future I will scrap the tired moniker of the last six years and become…Mr. Positive.
Ole Miss at Florida (-23), 12:30
CB
I’ve been reading Gatorsports all week long and they have been trying to scare me into thinking that just cause the Rebels have Snead and Nutt they should be considered legitimate. Let me tell you, Ole Miss is like the Clemson of the SEC. It seems like folks always want them to BE good, after all they gave us Archie and Eli, and yet it never seems to pan out. Albeit, considering we have dropped 2 of the last 3 to the Rebels, they have a little room to talk, but that was under shitforbrains Ron Zook. And I still to THIS DAY believe that the ineligible receiver down field call at the end of the 02 game was total horseshit. Oh man I just realized that game was on my birthday, well fucking happy birthday to me huh? Anyways, I believe that Snead is probably special and that the Malt Licker would juggle Houston’s Nutts if offered, but I’m liking Urban ball version 2008, (a little special teams here, a lotta defense there, and some outstanding offensive talent). I’m sure at some point it will be close, but the boys from Old Florida will have this in the bag by halftime (with a few picks) and the media’s gonna tell me how boring it is to win without crazy highlights. I’ll take the wins, and since I’ll be there this weekend it will be extra sweet. GO GATORS!
MISS that pass 13
GATORS! 37
ML
Tuna's Favorite 10
Gators 34
EGM
Rebs 10
Gators 31
Tennessee at Auburn (-6), 3:30
EGM
Both of these schools love football. Even though they both lost last week, they are really excited to play this week. Competition is tons of fun. Tennessee will be bringing a very spry young puppy named Smokey to be their good luck charm. Auburn likes their team so much they have three different good luck names. They also have a quaint town with lots of tea shops and places with good cookies. I LOVE COOKIES!!
Auburn’s QB is an excellent young man who loves to throw the football. Even though he doesn’t throw well all the time, he still loves to play so much that he can’t stop throwing. Tennessee’s QB is full of spunk and self confidence. He’ll be a great real estate guy someday like Heath Shuler (maybe even a Congressman). Its so hard to pick winners and losers when you are having this much fun. I have a feeling the Auburn running back will have a super day though because the Volunteer lineman will be having fun with Auburn’s lineman. Can I play too!
Vols 17
Tigers 21
ML
Orange Evacuees 14
Plainzzzmen 19
CB
Next Stop on the Bandwagon, 17
AUBURN, AL 22
Arkansas at Texas (-27), 3:30
CB
This game got postponed due to Tropical Storm so and so…man, I wish I had picked this game two weeks ago. This was boner move. At least a few weeks back I would have been a bit more delusional to how much Psuedo-Kansas sucks! Just how much they blow would have been very, very useful information last week when I (embarrassed shrug) picked them to cover the line last weekend hosting Bama. To all you Tide fans out there, I apologize. That was really stupid. Anyways, it looks like Colt McCoy, (badass name btw) is having a pretty baller year right now, averaging 60 on the ground and passing pretty well and it looks like Bobby Petrino has no idea how to coach defense anymore so I’m going with Tejas big, 27 big? Maybe
Ark 10
Tex 35
ML
Fried Pork 13
Bevo Burger 44
EGM
Hawgs 13
Tejas 42
Western Kentucky at Kentucky (-22), 7
CB
A rivalry unlike any other! The Battle of the Bluegrass State! The Mighty Hilltoppers of Bowling Green …alright that’s enough. The odds are yall didn’t have Keith Jackson’s voice in your head when you were reading it like I did so that’s going nowhere. WKU has some tradition I suppose, in the NCAA tourney they are one of the 12 seeds I traditionally pick to upset a 5! The campus, “located atop one of the highest points in Southcentral Kentucky”…did you get that, not THE highest point in S.Central Ky, but ONE OF THE. That is impressive. Kensucky is coming off a strong bye week. I presume they won. Anyways, judging by this spread I’m guessing the Hilltoppers suck at football and I’m just gonna roll with that assumption. Go ‘Cats.
A Moderately High Point in Kentucky 12
The Klass of the Kentucky Kommunity (whoa, that was unintentional) 34
ML
Pillpoppers 10
Whiskas 35
EGM
Hilltoppers 10
Wildcats 28
UAB at South Carolina (-24.5), 7
EGM
UAB will love Columbia. It’s a great town with a heart of gold. If they are staying at the Holidome, then I highly recommend a couple games of putt-putt followed by a few cold drinks in the hot tub. You can even swim from the indoor pool to the outdoor pool. What a great time!
The Gamecocks haven’t had a great time playing against the other schools this year. But they are really excited to have the chance to play against the Blazers. What a fun mascot they have! UAB has so much fun playing they really don’t care about the score. Its also doubly hard for them to play on the road, they miss Birmingham so much its hard not to think about it during the game. Steve Spurrier is a very fun coach and I’m guessing he’ll have a lot of fun playing in this game.
Blazers 7
Gamecocks 38
ML
Blazin’ 10
12.5 points would be too much 21
CB
UAB 17
USC 40
Mississippi State at Louisiana State (-24), 7:30
EGM
Miss State is just living the dream this year. Its like they are touring around celebrating last season’s successes every game. They must be having a lot of fun. They played against Georgia Tech last week and had a bunch of offensive yards but decided to give the ball to Georgia Tech a few times just to be nice. They really liked watching the Wing T offense in action. Who doesn’t right? It was really disappointing that we missed that game while drinking beers at Calhoun’s. Luckily, in two years we will have a boat just like those fun Tennessee fans. I’m sure they will welcome us with open arms!
LSU had a great win against another team called the Tigers. That must have been confusing. LOL! I’m sure it wasn’t a big deal because they were having such great time playing on such a beautiful night. In fact, it was such a beautiful night that one of LSU’s QBs took the entire second half off to look at the stars. His best friend decided to play QB the rest of the game and have a great time by throwing the ball all over the place. What a win-win situation! The Bulldogs will have a great time celebrating their bowl season in Baton Rouge, its such a wonderful city full of cosmopolitan people and great sites to see. However, since they come from Starkville, its really hard leave such a beautiful place.
Bulldogs 3
Tiger 49
ML
Croom death watch? 3
CoonAss Cajuns 35
CB
MSU 4
LSU 34
Alabama at Georgia (-7), 7:45
ML
Game of the week in the SEC!!! Black out in Athens!!!! Satan v. the Prick!!!! I heard a coach for the Tide said that Georgia fans are going to a funeral, so the black is apropos. I love the confidence, although I’m not sure Bama can pull this off, although I’d love to see it. The Tide has looked pretty strong through the first month of football, and, other than Knowshon, the Dawgs offense looks pretty pedestrian. Seven points is WAAAAY too much to lay, I say the Dawgs win, but not by much.
Crimson Faggots 13
Athens Assholes 17
CB
BAMA 23
JAWGA 21
EGM
Tide 10
Dawgs 13
Vanderbilt – OFF
ML
Holy shit!!! They really are Vandyfeated. The question is, do their students even care? The Dores have a week off to prepare for the Plainsmen, who will be coming off two consecutive tough battles. Can you say 5 and 0????
Purdue at Notre Dame (-1.5), 12:30
ML
Notre Dame cannot run the ball, as they are 112th in the nation on the ground. Painter and Jimmy Clowson, whose hair is so ridiculous he looks like he should be a right wing for the Portuguese futbol team. Seriously, he looks like he had the same hairdresser as Tom Hanks in the Davinci Code. Anyway, Notre Dame being unable to run the ball may be a sign that the Opus Dei has taken control of the church. Anyway, in honor of my Dad I’ll pick the Irish, behind some big plays from Golden Tate (great name by the way).
SeaBass’ drink of choice 20
Passing Irish 24
CB
Purdon’t 20
ND 22
EGM
Boilermakers 13
Irish 10
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IV
El Gran Mono
Ohio State sucks. Is that huge news? Last year, LSU had a very average offense and they steamrolled Ohio State’s defense. The year before, UF had a very average offense and they steamrolled Ohio State’s defense. When are people going to realize that the Big Ten is terrible and that’s why Ohio State sucks every year? Gary Danielson summed it up today on the best radio show going, The Herd. He said, how do we not have a playoff, because everyone wants to see USC play whomever makes it out of the SEC. And Big Gary (sorry, about the bad memories CB) is completely right, the winner of the SEC deserves to play for the title even with TWO losses! Am I preaching to the choir here? No doubt, but at the same time it is logistically true. Its not just hope and more hope, it’s a fucking fact.
This week we welcome “Ben Hill Bootlegger.” What can I say about this guy? A typical day for him: drinking to excess, talking a lot of shit, “hanging out” at notorious homosexual public sex venues, and finishing things off with a Baconater. One of my best friends! Welcome, welcome…
I will personally be enjoying this weekend in beautiful Knoxvegas at my cousin’s spacious lair, drinking copious amounts of libations and enjoying glorious camaraderie. It really doesn’t get any better. Let’s get to the football, SON!
Malt Licker
Whoaaaaaa Diggity!!!! It’s the first full slate of SEC Games this year. With the exception of something called Wofford, all the games are pretty good. Monkey boy is heading to Knoxville, where he will drink himself silly at O’Charley’s. Two key matchups, one in the East and one in the West, should bring some clarity to the SEC race. I need my own plane so I could fly into the Smokeys and join the Monkey on Cumberland Avenue.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Last week’s bye week was boring as hell. I mean I had fun, but the games were absolutely miserable. SC/OSU was a yawn fest, UGA looked about as vulnerable as possible and Auburn Miss State was quite literally ALL ABOUT DEFENSE. Former guest Bourbon Boy, The Mud Hen, was actually in attendance in Stark-Vegas last week and apparently received glares from Bulldog fans when he stood up and pleaded to the MSU sidelines to kick a long field goal on 4th and long. Apparently at Mississippi State, they are ALL about offense and get angry when they have to settle for field goals. Well, last week they “settled” for ONE safety and lost. Freaking idiots. Speaking of former guest Bourbon Boys, the Dinner Cruise Gambler had a story he asked me to pass along. Its rather long so I’ll just get to the point. A stock Meee-ami fan was acting a fool at the UM/UF game a few weeks ago, when out of the sky came a Lemonade bomb. Long story short, Senor Cane took cover for the rest of the game in an undisclosed location. Don’t mess with our students, he was lucky it was actually lemonade!
Ben Hill Bootlegger
Let me started by thanking EGM, CB, and ML for the opportunity to write with them. Now, I want you to understand that I respect the many years of service and the difficulty of the job that these men have endured to entertain all of us in this blog. However, I feel that so far this year all of us have been cheated. How are we ‘the people’ suppose to determine what we think will happen in these games with only one person doing the commentating for every game - come on! Because the two lawyas and their little lawya in training have continued on this grievous course, I am stepping forward to help ‘the people’. I care about you, and if they want to continue on this path, it is time for a change. A vote for BHB is a vote for CHANGE. What they fuck just happened - I blacked out. As an additional treat this week, I will be going old school and picking the over/under in each game.
Alabama at Arkansas (+9.5), 3:30
ML
I guess this could be dubbed the Back-Stabbing Liars Bowl. The Traitor Tussle. Betrayers R ‘Us. Squinty-eyed Petrino is in the midst of rebuilding, while the Tide delusionists think “they’re back.” Surprisingly this series is relatively close, as ‘Bama has a narrow 10-8 edge. I am not too impressed with either team. I think the Hawgs home field will do nothing to help them out, and the Tide will Rollllllllll to victory
Judas 26
Benedict Arnold 9
BHB
Welcome to Fayetteville, Arkansas where the only thing worth noting is that John “Double Down” Daly went to college here. Nick Satan brings his all-time 4-2 record against the Razorbacks into Fayetteville for the first time as the Lord Almighty of Tuscaloosa. He brings with him his three-name QB and a pretty good group of WRs. The Razorbacks may have lost their Houston NUTTs, but don't worry, they still have their Casey DICK. For this game, Bobby Petrino might drive up to Leavenworth Federal Prison and pickup a new recruit that he has coached before, but the Razorbacks will not lay down for this one. The Tide won this game last year with :08 to go. This one will be closer than the experts say. Take the over at 46.5.
Rednecks who fuck their sister while she wears a Bear Bryant hat 27
Rednecks who fuck their sister 21
EGM
Bama 28
Hawgs 7
CB
Bama 23
Hogs 14
LSU at Auburn (+2.5). 3:30
CB
This is always a great rivalry game. One that sticks out in my mind is the 1994 affair. I remember it so clearly cause Auburn was on their 10+ game winning streak and was on probation by the NCAA. LSU took a 14 point lead into the 4th quarter when the Bengal Tiger QB tossed like 5 picks in ONE QUARTER, 3 of which were returned for touchdowns. The Jefferson Pilot (aka Raycom) shitbox camera work couldn’t take away from the excitement that day. Of course while I generally wish the host stadium would implode during this game, this game generally provides some serious craziness. Anyways, I guess its time for my yearly joke about this game, “I believe the Tigers will win this one”…terrible.
LSU 20
Other Tigers 13
BHB
You might as well call this one the SEC West title game, because the winner of this game has also won the West 6 out of the last 8 years. This game, being in Jordan-Hare Stadium, does not sit well for the real Tigers of Louisiana. This game is going to be won on the ground. Going in, both teams are ranked in the top 25 for rushing yards. Auburn struggled last week against the Croomster in the biggest offensive shoot out since the gun fight scene at the end of HEAT (That was for you CB). The Plaintigerwareagles and the Croomster's Dawgs racked up a massive 5 total points last week. They might be without the starting RB Brad Lester, who nearly Prothroed his neck last week. My only hope in this game, is that Auburn's Kicker, Wes Byrum gets killed by Mike the Tiger, who mistakenly is let out of his cage. Camera pans to a shocked Tommy Tuberville and then pans to Les Miles as he raises his right hand and waves it back and forth several times across his face. Fade out. END SCENE. Go under at 37.5.
Whooo dodged Ike 14
Someone in the East, please beat the Gators 17
EGM
Tigers 7
Plainsmen 6
ML
Drunk Tigers 2
Preppy-hick Tigers 3
Florida at Tennessee (+7), 8
ML
I’m so confident about this game, it makes me nervous. From what I’ve seen out of Crompton and the rest of the Vols, I feel like unless we pull a ’98 and turn the ball over a bunch, we should cruise. The Vols strength on offense is their running game, and our defensive front looks pretty tough. Percy will get loose, thrust himself into the Heisman picture, and lead the Gators to a big victory.
GATORS!!! 33
Fulmer death watch? 10
BHB
SEC football is here. Look for this one to get ugly, and get ugly quick. Look for the Vols to pick their poison and the Gators to exploit it. The Vols secondary appeared shakey against a weak UCLA, allowing 259 passing yards. Look for Tebow to punish Fat Phil's Team with a barrage of smash mouth running and deep bombs to Louis and Percy. Phil already has his comforting Sunday loser's brunch ordered at Calhoun's on the River. Tennessee has not been able to run the ball for the last two years, averaging just 13 yds on the ground, and they won't improve this year with their steady diet of Sprint Draws. Smokey will need a massive order of shit and grass to help deal with his upset stomach after this game. Sorry Auburn, this train is a rolling. Toughest line of the week, take the over at 51.5.
Florida 38
On the edge of a Rocky Top season (step back from the ledge sir) 21
EGM
Tebow 31
Crapton 17
CB
GATORS 27
VULS 13
Georgia at Arizona State (+6.5), 8
EGM
Georgia is #1! Wait, no they aren’t. Has anyone ever looked at Stafford’s completion percentage? Or even the fact that UGA’s defense isn’t that good? I think after they lose their second game, people will start to ask questions like that. However, do I think Arizona State has what it takes to win or possibly even cover? Absolutely not, Dennis Erickson may beat up on the West Coast with his band on JUCO’s but he hasn’t seen the likes of NotShawn Moreno. Richt won’t even need premeditated enthusiasm for this one.
4 year school 35
JC 17
ML
Prick’s Dawgs 25
Sun Devils 15
CB
UGA 25
Zona St 10
BHB
Over Celebrating Assholes 21
PAC 10 Pyros 17
Vanderbilt at Ole Miss (-5.5), 12:30
CB
This is actually going to be a pretty good game, and not for the typical reason (that being that they both suck). No, this time its gonna be a good one cause these teams are actually decent. Well, the scale of “decentness” is rather subjective. Vandy is decent cause they aren’t the fucking worst team ever this time around, and Ole Miss is decent b/c they are actually on an upward swing, contending against good programs and such. Its actually making me nervous about the Gators playing the Rebs next week. Well maybe just a bit. In this game I’m really liking Ole Miss. I understand that Vandy doesn’t blow per usual but I am really impressed with Snead’s pocket presence and elusiveness.
Vandie 17
Ole Miss 27
EGM
Dores 17
Jevan Snead 24
ML
Vandyfeated 23
Rebz 21
BHB
Get out your calculators - 35
Put away that beer and get out your tall wallets - 27
Mississippi State at Georgia Tech (-7.5), 1
EGM
This game will likely resemble something from about 1940. A team running the wing T and a team that…well, they don’t score. Ga Tech really shouldn’t be favored over anyone by seven plus with their disgusting offense. They were beaten by lowly Va Tech last week in the ACC battle of engineers. I’m going to go directly against my weekend host and say uber-awesome head man, Sly Croom somehow pulls this out or at least covers. Watch this game after only after 12 beers, if you are hanging with BHB, he’ll already have 18 under his belt and working on his second nap.
Miss St 10
Jackets 9
ML
Miss St 13
Tech 19
CB
Miss St 7
GT 13
BHB
Dawgs version 2.0 - 10
Shooter McGavain's Coats - 17
Wofford at South Carolina (NL)
ML
Do these teams play every year? It sure seems like it. The Terriers are a lovely little lib arts college in Spartanburg, and the Cocks are a disappointing state school in a town that loves to drink. Maybe Spurrier should start the drunk kid from Tampa and stop messing around with Smelley. I know the Cocks are going to score one upset this year, I just hope they get it out of their system before we play them in November. Oh yea, Mike Davis sucks.
Rat Dogs 13
Limp Cocks 40
EGM
Quintessential Liberal Arts Education 7
Getting Me a Job Education 31
CB
Wofford? 12
USC 143
BHB
Waiting to see the new Chihuahua movie - 14
Trying to get to .500 - 24
OPEN: Kentucky
CB
Man, how happy am I that I landed on Kentucky during their bye week? UK football, Catch it! I am embarrassed to say this but I have absolutely no idea what the Cats are up to right now. Let me look it up on the internet. (time elapsed). We’re back…Oh here was my problem, UK has played 3 games, two of which were against Norfolk St, and MTSU. Next week’s challenge is the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers, and that is it for cupcakes. An ALL SEC schedule after that with one more bye week at the end of the season. HAHA! Maybe I’ll select this team for that bye week as well as a little “State of the Union” recap. Right now the future looks grim for the Blue and White and I can’t see them taking more than 3 from their conference foes.
Wake Forest at Florida State (-4), 7
EGM
This is a tough game to pick. Wake lacks talent and has great coaching. Florida State is the exact opposite. If the Nole$ get rolling, then Wake is done for. They just don’t have the horses other than super accurate Riley Skinner. I think I’ll use this game to predict my blockbuster ACC finale. F$U vs. Miami. That’s right, craptacular ACC, you waited too long, they are back. Maybe not great, but getting back to where they should be. Clemson, fire Tommy B and you might have a shot. My guess, Tommy B gets a lifetime extension after a Peach Bowl loss. The ACC sucks.
Deacs 14
Noles$ 20
ML
Weak Wake 13
Unconquered and un-sold out 24
CB
Wake Skanks (no respect btw) 29
Regular Skanks 27
BHB
Boil me up some points 24
Is are coach dead yet 14
If you would like to be a Guest Bourbon Boy, then shoot us a line at bourbonboyspick@yahoo.com.
Ohio State sucks. Is that huge news? Last year, LSU had a very average offense and they steamrolled Ohio State’s defense. The year before, UF had a very average offense and they steamrolled Ohio State’s defense. When are people going to realize that the Big Ten is terrible and that’s why Ohio State sucks every year? Gary Danielson summed it up today on the best radio show going, The Herd. He said, how do we not have a playoff, because everyone wants to see USC play whomever makes it out of the SEC. And Big Gary (sorry, about the bad memories CB) is completely right, the winner of the SEC deserves to play for the title even with TWO losses! Am I preaching to the choir here? No doubt, but at the same time it is logistically true. Its not just hope and more hope, it’s a fucking fact.
This week we welcome “Ben Hill Bootlegger.” What can I say about this guy? A typical day for him: drinking to excess, talking a lot of shit, “hanging out” at notorious homosexual public sex venues, and finishing things off with a Baconater. One of my best friends! Welcome, welcome…
I will personally be enjoying this weekend in beautiful Knoxvegas at my cousin’s spacious lair, drinking copious amounts of libations and enjoying glorious camaraderie. It really doesn’t get any better. Let’s get to the football, SON!
Malt Licker
Whoaaaaaa Diggity!!!! It’s the first full slate of SEC Games this year. With the exception of something called Wofford, all the games are pretty good. Monkey boy is heading to Knoxville, where he will drink himself silly at O’Charley’s. Two key matchups, one in the East and one in the West, should bring some clarity to the SEC race. I need my own plane so I could fly into the Smokeys and join the Monkey on Cumberland Avenue.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Last week’s bye week was boring as hell. I mean I had fun, but the games were absolutely miserable. SC/OSU was a yawn fest, UGA looked about as vulnerable as possible and Auburn Miss State was quite literally ALL ABOUT DEFENSE. Former guest Bourbon Boy, The Mud Hen, was actually in attendance in Stark-Vegas last week and apparently received glares from Bulldog fans when he stood up and pleaded to the MSU sidelines to kick a long field goal on 4th and long. Apparently at Mississippi State, they are ALL about offense and get angry when they have to settle for field goals. Well, last week they “settled” for ONE safety and lost. Freaking idiots. Speaking of former guest Bourbon Boys, the Dinner Cruise Gambler had a story he asked me to pass along. Its rather long so I’ll just get to the point. A stock Meee-ami fan was acting a fool at the UM/UF game a few weeks ago, when out of the sky came a Lemonade bomb. Long story short, Senor Cane took cover for the rest of the game in an undisclosed location. Don’t mess with our students, he was lucky it was actually lemonade!
Ben Hill Bootlegger
Let me started by thanking EGM, CB, and ML for the opportunity to write with them. Now, I want you to understand that I respect the many years of service and the difficulty of the job that these men have endured to entertain all of us in this blog. However, I feel that so far this year all of us have been cheated. How are we ‘the people’ suppose to determine what we think will happen in these games with only one person doing the commentating for every game - come on! Because the two lawyas and their little lawya in training have continued on this grievous course, I am stepping forward to help ‘the people’. I care about you, and if they want to continue on this path, it is time for a change. A vote for BHB is a vote for CHANGE. What they fuck just happened - I blacked out. As an additional treat this week, I will be going old school and picking the over/under in each game.
Alabama at Arkansas (+9.5), 3:30
ML
I guess this could be dubbed the Back-Stabbing Liars Bowl. The Traitor Tussle. Betrayers R ‘Us. Squinty-eyed Petrino is in the midst of rebuilding, while the Tide delusionists think “they’re back.” Surprisingly this series is relatively close, as ‘Bama has a narrow 10-8 edge. I am not too impressed with either team. I think the Hawgs home field will do nothing to help them out, and the Tide will Rollllllllll to victory
Judas 26
Benedict Arnold 9
BHB
Welcome to Fayetteville, Arkansas where the only thing worth noting is that John “Double Down” Daly went to college here. Nick Satan brings his all-time 4-2 record against the Razorbacks into Fayetteville for the first time as the Lord Almighty of Tuscaloosa. He brings with him his three-name QB and a pretty good group of WRs. The Razorbacks may have lost their Houston NUTTs, but don't worry, they still have their Casey DICK. For this game, Bobby Petrino might drive up to Leavenworth Federal Prison and pickup a new recruit that he has coached before, but the Razorbacks will not lay down for this one. The Tide won this game last year with :08 to go. This one will be closer than the experts say. Take the over at 46.5.
Rednecks who fuck their sister while she wears a Bear Bryant hat 27
Rednecks who fuck their sister 21
EGM
Bama 28
Hawgs 7
CB
Bama 23
Hogs 14
LSU at Auburn (+2.5). 3:30
CB
This is always a great rivalry game. One that sticks out in my mind is the 1994 affair. I remember it so clearly cause Auburn was on their 10+ game winning streak and was on probation by the NCAA. LSU took a 14 point lead into the 4th quarter when the Bengal Tiger QB tossed like 5 picks in ONE QUARTER, 3 of which were returned for touchdowns. The Jefferson Pilot (aka Raycom) shitbox camera work couldn’t take away from the excitement that day. Of course while I generally wish the host stadium would implode during this game, this game generally provides some serious craziness. Anyways, I guess its time for my yearly joke about this game, “I believe the Tigers will win this one”…terrible.
LSU 20
Other Tigers 13
BHB
You might as well call this one the SEC West title game, because the winner of this game has also won the West 6 out of the last 8 years. This game, being in Jordan-Hare Stadium, does not sit well for the real Tigers of Louisiana. This game is going to be won on the ground. Going in, both teams are ranked in the top 25 for rushing yards. Auburn struggled last week against the Croomster in the biggest offensive shoot out since the gun fight scene at the end of HEAT (That was for you CB). The Plaintigerwareagles and the Croomster's Dawgs racked up a massive 5 total points last week. They might be without the starting RB Brad Lester, who nearly Prothroed his neck last week. My only hope in this game, is that Auburn's Kicker, Wes Byrum gets killed by Mike the Tiger, who mistakenly is let out of his cage. Camera pans to a shocked Tommy Tuberville and then pans to Les Miles as he raises his right hand and waves it back and forth several times across his face. Fade out. END SCENE. Go under at 37.5.
Whooo dodged Ike 14
Someone in the East, please beat the Gators 17
EGM
Tigers 7
Plainsmen 6
ML
Drunk Tigers 2
Preppy-hick Tigers 3
Florida at Tennessee (+7), 8
ML
I’m so confident about this game, it makes me nervous. From what I’ve seen out of Crompton and the rest of the Vols, I feel like unless we pull a ’98 and turn the ball over a bunch, we should cruise. The Vols strength on offense is their running game, and our defensive front looks pretty tough. Percy will get loose, thrust himself into the Heisman picture, and lead the Gators to a big victory.
GATORS!!! 33
Fulmer death watch? 10
BHB
SEC football is here. Look for this one to get ugly, and get ugly quick. Look for the Vols to pick their poison and the Gators to exploit it. The Vols secondary appeared shakey against a weak UCLA, allowing 259 passing yards. Look for Tebow to punish Fat Phil's Team with a barrage of smash mouth running and deep bombs to Louis and Percy. Phil already has his comforting Sunday loser's brunch ordered at Calhoun's on the River. Tennessee has not been able to run the ball for the last two years, averaging just 13 yds on the ground, and they won't improve this year with their steady diet of Sprint Draws. Smokey will need a massive order of shit and grass to help deal with his upset stomach after this game. Sorry Auburn, this train is a rolling. Toughest line of the week, take the over at 51.5.
Florida 38
On the edge of a Rocky Top season (step back from the ledge sir) 21
EGM
Tebow 31
Crapton 17
CB
GATORS 27
VULS 13
Georgia at Arizona State (+6.5), 8
EGM
Georgia is #1! Wait, no they aren’t. Has anyone ever looked at Stafford’s completion percentage? Or even the fact that UGA’s defense isn’t that good? I think after they lose their second game, people will start to ask questions like that. However, do I think Arizona State has what it takes to win or possibly even cover? Absolutely not, Dennis Erickson may beat up on the West Coast with his band on JUCO’s but he hasn’t seen the likes of NotShawn Moreno. Richt won’t even need premeditated enthusiasm for this one.
4 year school 35
JC 17
ML
Prick’s Dawgs 25
Sun Devils 15
CB
UGA 25
Zona St 10
BHB
Over Celebrating Assholes 21
PAC 10 Pyros 17
Vanderbilt at Ole Miss (-5.5), 12:30
CB
This is actually going to be a pretty good game, and not for the typical reason (that being that they both suck). No, this time its gonna be a good one cause these teams are actually decent. Well, the scale of “decentness” is rather subjective. Vandy is decent cause they aren’t the fucking worst team ever this time around, and Ole Miss is decent b/c they are actually on an upward swing, contending against good programs and such. Its actually making me nervous about the Gators playing the Rebs next week. Well maybe just a bit. In this game I’m really liking Ole Miss. I understand that Vandy doesn’t blow per usual but I am really impressed with Snead’s pocket presence and elusiveness.
Vandie 17
Ole Miss 27
EGM
Dores 17
Jevan Snead 24
ML
Vandyfeated 23
Rebz 21
BHB
Get out your calculators - 35
Put away that beer and get out your tall wallets - 27
Mississippi State at Georgia Tech (-7.5), 1
EGM
This game will likely resemble something from about 1940. A team running the wing T and a team that…well, they don’t score. Ga Tech really shouldn’t be favored over anyone by seven plus with their disgusting offense. They were beaten by lowly Va Tech last week in the ACC battle of engineers. I’m going to go directly against my weekend host and say uber-awesome head man, Sly Croom somehow pulls this out or at least covers. Watch this game after only after 12 beers, if you are hanging with BHB, he’ll already have 18 under his belt and working on his second nap.
Miss St 10
Jackets 9
ML
Miss St 13
Tech 19
CB
Miss St 7
GT 13
BHB
Dawgs version 2.0 - 10
Shooter McGavain's Coats - 17
Wofford at South Carolina (NL)
ML
Do these teams play every year? It sure seems like it. The Terriers are a lovely little lib arts college in Spartanburg, and the Cocks are a disappointing state school in a town that loves to drink. Maybe Spurrier should start the drunk kid from Tampa and stop messing around with Smelley. I know the Cocks are going to score one upset this year, I just hope they get it out of their system before we play them in November. Oh yea, Mike Davis sucks.
Rat Dogs 13
Limp Cocks 40
EGM
Quintessential Liberal Arts Education 7
Getting Me a Job Education 31
CB
Wofford? 12
USC 143
BHB
Waiting to see the new Chihuahua movie - 14
Trying to get to .500 - 24
OPEN: Kentucky
CB
Man, how happy am I that I landed on Kentucky during their bye week? UK football, Catch it! I am embarrassed to say this but I have absolutely no idea what the Cats are up to right now. Let me look it up on the internet. (time elapsed). We’re back…Oh here was my problem, UK has played 3 games, two of which were against Norfolk St, and MTSU. Next week’s challenge is the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers, and that is it for cupcakes. An ALL SEC schedule after that with one more bye week at the end of the season. HAHA! Maybe I’ll select this team for that bye week as well as a little “State of the Union” recap. Right now the future looks grim for the Blue and White and I can’t see them taking more than 3 from their conference foes.
Wake Forest at Florida State (-4), 7
EGM
This is a tough game to pick. Wake lacks talent and has great coaching. Florida State is the exact opposite. If the Nole$ get rolling, then Wake is done for. They just don’t have the horses other than super accurate Riley Skinner. I think I’ll use this game to predict my blockbuster ACC finale. F$U vs. Miami. That’s right, craptacular ACC, you waited too long, they are back. Maybe not great, but getting back to where they should be. Clemson, fire Tommy B and you might have a shot. My guess, Tommy B gets a lifetime extension after a Peach Bowl loss. The ACC sucks.
Deacs 14
Noles$ 20
ML
Weak Wake 13
Unconquered and un-sold out 24
CB
Wake Skanks (no respect btw) 29
Regular Skanks 27
BHB
Boil me up some points 24
Is are coach dead yet 14
If you would like to be a Guest Bourbon Boy, then shoot us a line at bourbonboyspick@yahoo.com.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2008 Week III
Cuzzin’ Bailey
You may have noticed that the Gator game was especially loud last week. Whether its accurate or not, I am going to take full credit on that one. Anyone who talked to me after the game noticed 2 things. First, I was probably still pretty drunk from the all day nightmare tailgate, no eat, drink-fest. And secondly, my voice was gone, and I’m not talking “Johnny’s got a hoarse throat let’s give him a lozenge,” a Ricola © would have melted at the “sight” of my throat. I’m probably gonna need that Gayle Sierens, scream too much, surgery when I’m older. (Sorry for the obscure local newscaster reference, I’m on a deadline here). Anyways, thank God the Gators are off this week to give my voice a little break, but not thank God cause the only game that was supposed to be exciting opened up with a double digit spread.
El Gran Mono
Last week’s games proved to be as craptacular as everyone thought. We did learn that Miami has a pretty good defense or possibly that Florida’s offense may be a little overrated. However, neither of those conclusions is very surprising. Most of the college football media tend to blow everything out of proportion. I guess that’s their job and it makes them feel edgy, almost as edgy as Cuzzin Bailey before his first law school exam. I’d give up the picks title to have those few days on video tape. I digress, USC-Ohio State looks to be the game of the century…hmm, that’s what the media is saying so I’ll bet its more of a defensive struggle than anyone thinks. USC is very good, but beating UVA didn’t tell us anything. Will Ohio State prove unworthy of a top matchup again? I’m betting so.
Malt Licker
Gators are off, so we can all rest for a week before the clash against the Vols in K-ville. Hopefully by then the sound of the whines from Coral Gables will subside. It’s another piss poor slate of SEC games. Fortunately, there is one major marquee matchup Saturday night as the Buckeyes look to get embarrassed by another talented team from outside the midwest.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Kansas @ South Florida (-3.5), 9
EGM
USF would love to have another magical Friday night win against a top team. Unfortunately, they are not playing a team from the Big Least. Kansas is a very good team with an excellent quarterback. The Bulls are a decent team with a wannabe QB who panics like a scared rabbit. I can see Leavitt banging his head into a concrete wall after this one. Sadly, the wall has a higher IQ than him.
Rock Chalk 28
Bullz 17
CB
Kansas 27
USF 28
ML
Jayhawks 34
Bulls 17
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Rice @ Vanderbilt (-7), 12:30
ML
It’s the battle of southern smart schools, and Duke isn’t involved!!! The Owls might have to move to Nashville after Ike gets finished with Houston. Vandy is coming off one of their biggest wins, and look to build on that and go 3-0. Rice is undefeated as well, and sports a powerful offense. Chase Clement and his porn stache are worth at least 2 touchdowns alone. Vandy is known for following up their rare notable victories with inexplicable losses. The trend will continue.
Hooters 33
‘Dores 31
CB
Rice 20
Vandy 29
EGM
Owlz 10
Commodores 21
Auburn @ Mississippi State (+10.5), 12:30
EGM
Ol’ Sly Croom pulled the wool over TT’’s eyes last year. That doesn’t happen twice in row. Even Auburn “experimenting” with the spread offense and a new QB won’t stop the Tub’s wrath. Starkville is the place every Plainsmen dreams about, a place with less bars than Auburn. That’s no easy feat my friends. Miss State has no chance against Auburn’s stud defense. This one will be low scoring but I’ll still take the ten and a hook.
Tigerz 21
Dawgz 3
CB
Auburn 27
Miss St 15
ML
Plainzzzzzzmen 26
Minimal Cowbell 13
Western Kentucky @ Alabama (-28), 2
ML
I believe I was the only one last week to realize that Bama has a tendency to play down to their competition. They needed an 87 yard punt return to eke out a two-TD win in the battle of aquatic phenomena. The Hilltoppers are a “transitional 1A team” as they ease their way into the Sun Belt. They have 12 consecutive winning seasons, but they are stepping up to play with the big boys. Can you believe ‘Bama is ranked 11? I can’t wait until this time next month when they have 2 losses.
Red Grimace Mascot 10
Crimson Pachy Mascot 35
CB
WKU 9
Bama 44
EGM
Hilltoppers 10
Bama 42
Arkansas @ Texas (-24), PPD
Georgia @ South Carolina (+7), 3:30
CB
Its hard to be surprised at this line. Not to say that UGA isn’t the better team of course, but this Spurrier run Cock team tends to play the Dawgs, at the very least, marginally well and in fact last year, USC won in Athens! I guess this is a better Jawga team as its hard to imagine the same team with the same players getting worse after having a really great year, and there’s no doubt that the Cocks offense is freaking terrible, but a couple of lucky plays and some great defense could make this closer than Bulldog fans would like.
UGA 24
USC 16
EGM
#1? 14
Cocks 17
ML
Blowshon his knee out 19
Keep down the INTs! 13
Middle Tennessee @ Kentucky (-16.5), 6
EGM
The Blue Raiders put the screws to ACC powerhouse Maryland last week. I guess I should be impressed. KY really whooped up on Louisville but I don’t know what to make of that. I know that Rich Brooks is a great rebuilder and he’s always rebuilding. So I think I’ll lay the points.
Raidaz 7
Cats 35
CB
MTSU 14
UK 30
ML
Murf’s finest 13
Kats 29
Samford @ Ole Miss (NL)
CB
Ole Miss came oh so close last week against the probably the ACC’s favorite right now. The game last week should really make some teams nervous in the SEC and that is one of the reasons why I am very happy the Rebs have to travel to Gainesville this year. Another team that should be skurrt that Mississippi is on the rise with their new psycho Head Coach is Samford. This game is gonna be a ridiculous blow out and all will be well in Oxford.
Samford 10
Ole Miss 52
EGM
Bullpups 7
Rebs 49
ML
Cumberland School of Law 5
Harvard of my Ass 33
UAB @ Tennessee (-30), 7
CB
This is a good warm up game for the Vols knowing that they are gonna have to give it their all next week against the Gators. Tennessee hasn’t played since losing to an overmatched UCLA team opening weekend. That one had the potential to be a statement game by going out to the Left Coast and killing some of the hype of Rick Neuheisel’s return, but instead a botched field goal in OT and its back to the drawing board. Personally I love how UT had a bye last week. They got to mope around for an entire week wondering what could have been and what should have been and practiced their asses off all last week for nothing. Now all their hard work and they get to face an opponent who’s 0-2 and looking really shitty this year. I like the Vols big this week as they’ll try and prove to the country they aren’t a total joke, and the country will probably buy that, at least for a week.
UAB 12
UT 41
EGM
Blazers 7
Vols 35
ML
Blaze the blizzunt 3
Phil cant eat weed 31
North Texas @ LSU (-41), 8
ML
Good lord, the Mean Green have allowed 500 yards and 50 points in each of their first two games. The boys from Denton, TX face a well-rested and no doubt anxious group of Cajuns, who may cover the spread in the first half alone. They are horrible, were 2-10 last year and lost to FIU.
Try to play Mean Joe 2
Wind blown Bengals 60
CB
NT 3
LSU 50
EGM
Mean Green 3
Cajuns 49
Florida – OPEN
CB
Kind of a boner move to pick UF this week, but at least I get to talk about what a great time I had last weekend tailgating before the 8pm (7 central) kickoff at the Swamp. There was all sorts of drinking and BS’ing going on with the Malt Licker and the guest Bourbon Boy The Dinner Cruise Gambler. To be entirely honest, the first half was kind of a blur. Not cause I had too much to drink, but well, I mean I’m sure that had something to do with it, but cause with all the punting it seemed to fly by. Thankfully the second half was slowed up around the beginning of the 4th when the Gators finally poured it on the Canes. And then came the real embarrassing moment of the weekend. No, I’m not talking about how I slept in my car and my back was killing me (hell its still killing me). I’m referring to the Co-Canes coach Shannon talking smack about Urb. Ya just don’t do that Randy. If you don’t want him scoring on you, then tell your players to stop’em til the horn sounds. You can try and get us back in 5 years or whatever, if you’re still the HC, which I have my doubts about.
Ohio State at Southern California (-10.5),
ML
Ooooooooooooh the Collision in the Coliseum!!!! I’m so excited!!!! Capt. Sweatervest announced that his only offensive weapon is doubtful. Unless Tyrelle Pryor is the greatest thing ever, this won’t be close. Mr. Carroll and his perfectly cuaffed grey locks will have that cocky grin working by the middle of the 3rd quarter. This will not be pretty.
Suckeyes 6
Men of Troy 33
CB
OSU 20
USC 33
EGM
Buckeyes 13
Trojans 24
You may have noticed that the Gator game was especially loud last week. Whether its accurate or not, I am going to take full credit on that one. Anyone who talked to me after the game noticed 2 things. First, I was probably still pretty drunk from the all day nightmare tailgate, no eat, drink-fest. And secondly, my voice was gone, and I’m not talking “Johnny’s got a hoarse throat let’s give him a lozenge,” a Ricola © would have melted at the “sight” of my throat. I’m probably gonna need that Gayle Sierens, scream too much, surgery when I’m older. (Sorry for the obscure local newscaster reference, I’m on a deadline here). Anyways, thank God the Gators are off this week to give my voice a little break, but not thank God cause the only game that was supposed to be exciting opened up with a double digit spread.
El Gran Mono
Last week’s games proved to be as craptacular as everyone thought. We did learn that Miami has a pretty good defense or possibly that Florida’s offense may be a little overrated. However, neither of those conclusions is very surprising. Most of the college football media tend to blow everything out of proportion. I guess that’s their job and it makes them feel edgy, almost as edgy as Cuzzin Bailey before his first law school exam. I’d give up the picks title to have those few days on video tape. I digress, USC-Ohio State looks to be the game of the century…hmm, that’s what the media is saying so I’ll bet its more of a defensive struggle than anyone thinks. USC is very good, but beating UVA didn’t tell us anything. Will Ohio State prove unworthy of a top matchup again? I’m betting so.
Malt Licker
Gators are off, so we can all rest for a week before the clash against the Vols in K-ville. Hopefully by then the sound of the whines from Coral Gables will subside. It’s another piss poor slate of SEC games. Fortunately, there is one major marquee matchup Saturday night as the Buckeyes look to get embarrassed by another talented team from outside the midwest.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Kansas @ South Florida (-3.5), 9
EGM
USF would love to have another magical Friday night win against a top team. Unfortunately, they are not playing a team from the Big Least. Kansas is a very good team with an excellent quarterback. The Bulls are a decent team with a wannabe QB who panics like a scared rabbit. I can see Leavitt banging his head into a concrete wall after this one. Sadly, the wall has a higher IQ than him.
Rock Chalk 28
Bullz 17
CB
Kansas 27
USF 28
ML
Jayhawks 34
Bulls 17
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Rice @ Vanderbilt (-7), 12:30
ML
It’s the battle of southern smart schools, and Duke isn’t involved!!! The Owls might have to move to Nashville after Ike gets finished with Houston. Vandy is coming off one of their biggest wins, and look to build on that and go 3-0. Rice is undefeated as well, and sports a powerful offense. Chase Clement and his porn stache are worth at least 2 touchdowns alone. Vandy is known for following up their rare notable victories with inexplicable losses. The trend will continue.
Hooters 33
‘Dores 31
CB
Rice 20
Vandy 29
EGM
Owlz 10
Commodores 21
Auburn @ Mississippi State (+10.5), 12:30
EGM
Ol’ Sly Croom pulled the wool over TT’’s eyes last year. That doesn’t happen twice in row. Even Auburn “experimenting” with the spread offense and a new QB won’t stop the Tub’s wrath. Starkville is the place every Plainsmen dreams about, a place with less bars than Auburn. That’s no easy feat my friends. Miss State has no chance against Auburn’s stud defense. This one will be low scoring but I’ll still take the ten and a hook.
Tigerz 21
Dawgz 3
CB
Auburn 27
Miss St 15
ML
Plainzzzzzzmen 26
Minimal Cowbell 13
Western Kentucky @ Alabama (-28), 2
ML
I believe I was the only one last week to realize that Bama has a tendency to play down to their competition. They needed an 87 yard punt return to eke out a two-TD win in the battle of aquatic phenomena. The Hilltoppers are a “transitional 1A team” as they ease their way into the Sun Belt. They have 12 consecutive winning seasons, but they are stepping up to play with the big boys. Can you believe ‘Bama is ranked 11? I can’t wait until this time next month when they have 2 losses.
Red Grimace Mascot 10
Crimson Pachy Mascot 35
CB
WKU 9
Bama 44
EGM
Hilltoppers 10
Bama 42
Arkansas @ Texas (-24), PPD
Georgia @ South Carolina (+7), 3:30
CB
Its hard to be surprised at this line. Not to say that UGA isn’t the better team of course, but this Spurrier run Cock team tends to play the Dawgs, at the very least, marginally well and in fact last year, USC won in Athens! I guess this is a better Jawga team as its hard to imagine the same team with the same players getting worse after having a really great year, and there’s no doubt that the Cocks offense is freaking terrible, but a couple of lucky plays and some great defense could make this closer than Bulldog fans would like.
UGA 24
USC 16
EGM
#1? 14
Cocks 17
ML
Blowshon his knee out 19
Keep down the INTs! 13
Middle Tennessee @ Kentucky (-16.5), 6
EGM
The Blue Raiders put the screws to ACC powerhouse Maryland last week. I guess I should be impressed. KY really whooped up on Louisville but I don’t know what to make of that. I know that Rich Brooks is a great rebuilder and he’s always rebuilding. So I think I’ll lay the points.
Raidaz 7
Cats 35
CB
MTSU 14
UK 30
ML
Murf’s finest 13
Kats 29
Samford @ Ole Miss (NL)
CB
Ole Miss came oh so close last week against the probably the ACC’s favorite right now. The game last week should really make some teams nervous in the SEC and that is one of the reasons why I am very happy the Rebs have to travel to Gainesville this year. Another team that should be skurrt that Mississippi is on the rise with their new psycho Head Coach is Samford. This game is gonna be a ridiculous blow out and all will be well in Oxford.
Samford 10
Ole Miss 52
EGM
Bullpups 7
Rebs 49
ML
Cumberland School of Law 5
Harvard of my Ass 33
UAB @ Tennessee (-30), 7
CB
This is a good warm up game for the Vols knowing that they are gonna have to give it their all next week against the Gators. Tennessee hasn’t played since losing to an overmatched UCLA team opening weekend. That one had the potential to be a statement game by going out to the Left Coast and killing some of the hype of Rick Neuheisel’s return, but instead a botched field goal in OT and its back to the drawing board. Personally I love how UT had a bye last week. They got to mope around for an entire week wondering what could have been and what should have been and practiced their asses off all last week for nothing. Now all their hard work and they get to face an opponent who’s 0-2 and looking really shitty this year. I like the Vols big this week as they’ll try and prove to the country they aren’t a total joke, and the country will probably buy that, at least for a week.
UAB 12
UT 41
EGM
Blazers 7
Vols 35
ML
Blaze the blizzunt 3
Phil cant eat weed 31
North Texas @ LSU (-41), 8
ML
Good lord, the Mean Green have allowed 500 yards and 50 points in each of their first two games. The boys from Denton, TX face a well-rested and no doubt anxious group of Cajuns, who may cover the spread in the first half alone. They are horrible, were 2-10 last year and lost to FIU.
Try to play Mean Joe 2
Wind blown Bengals 60
CB
NT 3
LSU 50
EGM
Mean Green 3
Cajuns 49
Florida – OPEN
CB
Kind of a boner move to pick UF this week, but at least I get to talk about what a great time I had last weekend tailgating before the 8pm (7 central) kickoff at the Swamp. There was all sorts of drinking and BS’ing going on with the Malt Licker and the guest Bourbon Boy The Dinner Cruise Gambler. To be entirely honest, the first half was kind of a blur. Not cause I had too much to drink, but well, I mean I’m sure that had something to do with it, but cause with all the punting it seemed to fly by. Thankfully the second half was slowed up around the beginning of the 4th when the Gators finally poured it on the Canes. And then came the real embarrassing moment of the weekend. No, I’m not talking about how I slept in my car and my back was killing me (hell its still killing me). I’m referring to the Co-Canes coach Shannon talking smack about Urb. Ya just don’t do that Randy. If you don’t want him scoring on you, then tell your players to stop’em til the horn sounds. You can try and get us back in 5 years or whatever, if you’re still the HC, which I have my doubts about.
Ohio State at Southern California (-10.5),
ML
Ooooooooooooh the Collision in the Coliseum!!!! I’m so excited!!!! Capt. Sweatervest announced that his only offensive weapon is doubtful. Unless Tyrelle Pryor is the greatest thing ever, this won’t be close. Mr. Carroll and his perfectly cuaffed grey locks will have that cocky grin working by the middle of the 3rd quarter. This will not be pretty.
Suckeyes 6
Men of Troy 33
CB
OSU 20
USC 33
EGM
Buckeyes 13
Trojans 24
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2008 Week II
Malt Licker
Well we learned a few things last week, namely, that Clemzzzon and the ACC are overrated. Although, can I really say I learned something, especially when it was something I already knew? The Gators looked pretty good, but Hawaii’s QB played the 2nd and 3rd quarter with diarrhea running down his leg. I must say I am pretty pumped about this week’s game against “da U.” I can’t wait to send all 500 of their fans back home to dee majeeek seetee of meeeahhhhhmeeee crying in their mojitos.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Day-um! Already some very nice games in the mix in College Football in general, let alone the SEC! I really don’t consider the Bama Clemzin game an upset though, to be for real. Clemson is always hyped up b/c I think they are like the “feel good” team of the ACC, the team that everyone (outside of Columbia, SC) just wants to do well. Well, once again, the sympathetic media’s hopes have been dashed as Alabama gave these kitties an SEC pounding. On the other side of upsets was Tennessee, maybe they will learn to stop trying to show off by traveling to the Left Coast and getting their asses kicked. It loses its coolness when you keep losing to teams you should beat btw…
El Gran Mono
Last week was a tough start for both Tim Tebow and yours truly. I’m expecting a big comeback this week for the both of us. Strangely enough, Miami-UF appears to be the biggest game of the week. But with Norfolk State and Southeastern LA gracing the picks column this week that’s not really a crazy thing. When does this SEC season start?
Thursday, September 4, 2008
South Carolina @ Vanderbilt (+10), 8:30
EGM
Who the hell was that guy starting for South Carolina last week? You’ll be asking yourself that same question after this game. Smelley was a very talented player coming out of high school and I think NC State was his coming out party. The Cocks’ defense looked tough against NC State but believe it or not, Vandy is more talented than NC State. Wolfpack fans have Chuck Amato to thank for that.
Vandy destroyed Miami like a smallpox outbreak. Chris Nickson is back in the fold so I like Vandy’s chances at making it to a bowl game. They’ll keep this one under 10 no problem.
Cocks 21
No Longer Doremats 17
ML
Cizzocks 34
Duh-dores 17
CB
USC 21
Vandy 14
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Tulane at Alabama (-30), 2
ML
I see ‘Bama is on the cover of SI. I can smell the cock-eyed optimism emanating from Tuscaloosa, or maybe it is just the stench of their urine/beer soaked houndstooth garments that are so popular there these days. Seriously though, was this unexpected? Saban v. Tommy Bowden is like Cortez v. the Aztecs, especially with all summer to prepare. I don’t know a thing about Tulane, except that Tommy Bowden used to coach there. If he were still there I’d take ‘Bama to cover, but he’s not, so I see a letdown.
Surf’s Up 10
Tide Ebbing 33
EGM
Green Wave 10
Tide 49
CB
Tulane 10
YellaHamma 43
Louisiana-Monroe at Arkansas (-12.5), 7
CB
Hey Razorbacks, this isn’t the NCAA tourney, it is NOT okay to barely beat a shitbox team like Western Illinois. I guess Bobby Petrino just hasn’t found his niche as the top dog of yet another team (in what 3 years?). If they continue to have close games like this, and then enter the SEC schedule playing like a bunch of monkeys don’t be surprised if good ol’ Bobby cuts ands runs to a better job. (Well ANOTHER job anyways). The La.-Monroe Warhawks, (formerly the Northeastern Louisiana Indians, formerly the Louisiana Monroe Indians), got thumped last weekend by an Auburn team still trying to get its feet wet, so that might help to squash any thought of an upset here, but after the Hogs showed NO sign of a running game last week and actually had to rally late to beat an awful Missouri Valley team, anything is possible.
Chickenhawks 14
Razorbacks 26
ML
LaMo 14
Hawg Shit 24
EGM
Monroe 17
Pigs 28
Southern Miss at Auburn (-17.5), 12:30
CB
I would be more interested in this game if Brett Favre could un-retire from being a pro and come back to college. On paper I give USM less than zero chance heading into Jordan-Hare Stdm to face the number 10 team in the country, but it sounds like Auburn is having trouble with their new spread offense (like every other school that’s new to it). Auburn had to go “old school” (see: SEC Pre-Spurrier) and run the shit out of the ball last week, so I would look for more of that until their current QB can get a handle on the new system.
Brett come home 10
Aw-barn 38
ML
Honorary SEC non-conf opponent 9
Plainsmen 31
EGM
Eagles 10
Plainsmen 21
Miami at Florida (-21.5), 8
ML
Wow…it seems like yesterday……I was a young One L walking into the Orange Bowl for the first time. I was a student of dah U’s School of Law and donning full Gator regalia. I will never forget the angriest person I’ve ever seen in my life, a 90 pound Cuban girl/UM student, pass out after finding out she was not getting into the game, although not before directing the full force of her ire at yourself and El Gran Mono. I went in fully expecting to lose, but the Zooker raised my hopes, only to see them dashed by his calling card, the 4th quarter collapse. The Orange Bowl is gone, and I would bet my life that the 90 pounder now has 3 kids and has nearly doubled her weight. Former Plant High star and son of former Buccaneer linebacker, Robert Marve is making his first collegiate start in the Swamp against the heavily favored Gators. Part of me feels like I should be a bit worried, but then I realized how much Urban appreciates history. He knows how long it has been since UF beat the Canes, and he will put the hammer down.
Cocaine sniffing thugs 13
Streak Breakers 44
CB
Co‘Canes 12
UF 30
EGM
CoCanes 13
Gators 42
Central Michigan at Georgia (-23), 3:30
EGM
Did you know that Knowshon is hurt? Maybe the pregame kegger with Rat Haired Stafford was put in place of stretches. I wouldn’t be surprised because Georgia is the greatest team of all time. So good they lost two games last year where they couldn’t move the ball whatsoever.
I’m sure Richt will run the score up here in order to show the country that his team is ok. He’s not fooling me and he’s still got a couple ass kickings coming.
Chipps 17
Dawgs 52
ML
Chippewas 10
Barking Rednecks 35
CB
CMU 13
UGA 44
Norfolk State at Kentucky (NL),
EGM
It appears that I underestimated the Wildcats. Perhaps the Cards are just bad but I think that the Cats might be pretty good despite losing Andre “Take A Sack, Don’t Hurt the Rating” Woodson. Their defense is much improved and they have a pretty decent running game. More importantly, I think they won’t have too much of a problem with Norfolk State, even if the Spartans are “achieving with excellence.” Is it possible to achieve without being excellent? Maybe in Barak Obamaville…
Spartans 7
KY 45
ML
Black Spartans 2
Blue & White Kitties 44
CB
NSU 10
UK 11
Troy at Louisiana State (-24), PPD
ML
As a reward for being so awesome these two teams decided to postpone the game and spare me the obligation to write a preview. I know you all feel cheated, but I do not.
CB
PPD
EGM
PPD
Southeast Louisiana at Mississippi State (NL), PPD
CB
Those dirty Dawgs tried it the classy way, but that blew up in their faces last week. Starting the season AT a D-1A school? That was very stupid, esp for a team that is just one season away from being the laughing stock of the conference. Sure last year they swept the state of Alabama, but I have to believe that it was a weird one for those schools (well except for Alabama-Birmingham, they just generally suck). Anyways, I guess what I’m trying to say here is that this week, against a cupcake, is the way to do it at MSU. Next time up, start the year by staying at home in the pastures, cow-tipping, embarrassing the rest of the State and playing an awful team.
SE LA 13
Mess St. 34
ML
The Lions 13
Croom’s Crew 44
CB
Directional 10
Miss State 31
Ole Miss at Wake Forest (-8)
CB
No respect for the Rebels even after they took down Memphis last week with a very balanced attack!! I really think that Houston Nutt has brought a much needed spark to Oxford, and with some of the talent they have, that may be just what the doctor ordered. However, Wake Forest is definitely the class of the ACC this year, and while that normally would make one laugh until they cried, recently that has become more than a joke (a hilarious joke at that). The Rebels are bringing their Southern Hair and crokies to Winston-Salem Saturday with the hopes of keeping their new found success flowing like their golden locks, however that may not be enough this weekend. The smart money is on a nice Deacon win, but I gotta go with the Rebs to at least cover.
Ole Miss 21
Deacs 24
ML
Ole Piss 24
Weak Forest 28
EGM
Rebs 24
Deacs 28
Tennessee – OPEN
ML
Leave it to Phat Phil to lose again. I know, let’s not give the ball to Hardesty and Foster, but instead pitch it around 40 times with Jonathan “Straight Outta Crompton.” I hope the Vols bring this attitude to the UF game in 2 weeks. It would be nice for UCLA to become relevant, if only to prevent USC from landing every high school stud in Southern California.
USF at UCF (+14)
EGM
14 point dogs at home. That can’t feel good. I wonder how George O’Leary will fudge that on his resume. Maybe he’ll just eat fudge instead. USF absolutely hammered UCF last year and this game might even get “Matt Grothe For Heisman” talk going. Of course, anyone who brings that subject up should immediately be branded a moron, much like Grothe himself.
Golden Nights 13
Bullz 45
ML
USF 40
UCF 20
CB
USF 38
UCF 20
Well we learned a few things last week, namely, that Clemzzzon and the ACC are overrated. Although, can I really say I learned something, especially when it was something I already knew? The Gators looked pretty good, but Hawaii’s QB played the 2nd and 3rd quarter with diarrhea running down his leg. I must say I am pretty pumped about this week’s game against “da U.” I can’t wait to send all 500 of their fans back home to dee majeeek seetee of meeeahhhhhmeeee crying in their mojitos.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Day-um! Already some very nice games in the mix in College Football in general, let alone the SEC! I really don’t consider the Bama Clemzin game an upset though, to be for real. Clemson is always hyped up b/c I think they are like the “feel good” team of the ACC, the team that everyone (outside of Columbia, SC) just wants to do well. Well, once again, the sympathetic media’s hopes have been dashed as Alabama gave these kitties an SEC pounding. On the other side of upsets was Tennessee, maybe they will learn to stop trying to show off by traveling to the Left Coast and getting their asses kicked. It loses its coolness when you keep losing to teams you should beat btw…
El Gran Mono
Last week was a tough start for both Tim Tebow and yours truly. I’m expecting a big comeback this week for the both of us. Strangely enough, Miami-UF appears to be the biggest game of the week. But with Norfolk State and Southeastern LA gracing the picks column this week that’s not really a crazy thing. When does this SEC season start?
Thursday, September 4, 2008
South Carolina @ Vanderbilt (+10), 8:30
EGM
Who the hell was that guy starting for South Carolina last week? You’ll be asking yourself that same question after this game. Smelley was a very talented player coming out of high school and I think NC State was his coming out party. The Cocks’ defense looked tough against NC State but believe it or not, Vandy is more talented than NC State. Wolfpack fans have Chuck Amato to thank for that.
Vandy destroyed Miami like a smallpox outbreak. Chris Nickson is back in the fold so I like Vandy’s chances at making it to a bowl game. They’ll keep this one under 10 no problem.
Cocks 21
No Longer Doremats 17
ML
Cizzocks 34
Duh-dores 17
CB
USC 21
Vandy 14
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Tulane at Alabama (-30), 2
ML
I see ‘Bama is on the cover of SI. I can smell the cock-eyed optimism emanating from Tuscaloosa, or maybe it is just the stench of their urine/beer soaked houndstooth garments that are so popular there these days. Seriously though, was this unexpected? Saban v. Tommy Bowden is like Cortez v. the Aztecs, especially with all summer to prepare. I don’t know a thing about Tulane, except that Tommy Bowden used to coach there. If he were still there I’d take ‘Bama to cover, but he’s not, so I see a letdown.
Surf’s Up 10
Tide Ebbing 33
EGM
Green Wave 10
Tide 49
CB
Tulane 10
YellaHamma 43
Louisiana-Monroe at Arkansas (-12.5), 7
CB
Hey Razorbacks, this isn’t the NCAA tourney, it is NOT okay to barely beat a shitbox team like Western Illinois. I guess Bobby Petrino just hasn’t found his niche as the top dog of yet another team (in what 3 years?). If they continue to have close games like this, and then enter the SEC schedule playing like a bunch of monkeys don’t be surprised if good ol’ Bobby cuts ands runs to a better job. (Well ANOTHER job anyways). The La.-Monroe Warhawks, (formerly the Northeastern Louisiana Indians, formerly the Louisiana Monroe Indians), got thumped last weekend by an Auburn team still trying to get its feet wet, so that might help to squash any thought of an upset here, but after the Hogs showed NO sign of a running game last week and actually had to rally late to beat an awful Missouri Valley team, anything is possible.
Chickenhawks 14
Razorbacks 26
ML
LaMo 14
Hawg Shit 24
EGM
Monroe 17
Pigs 28
Southern Miss at Auburn (-17.5), 12:30
CB
I would be more interested in this game if Brett Favre could un-retire from being a pro and come back to college. On paper I give USM less than zero chance heading into Jordan-Hare Stdm to face the number 10 team in the country, but it sounds like Auburn is having trouble with their new spread offense (like every other school that’s new to it). Auburn had to go “old school” (see: SEC Pre-Spurrier) and run the shit out of the ball last week, so I would look for more of that until their current QB can get a handle on the new system.
Brett come home 10
Aw-barn 38
ML
Honorary SEC non-conf opponent 9
Plainsmen 31
EGM
Eagles 10
Plainsmen 21
Miami at Florida (-21.5), 8
ML
Wow…it seems like yesterday……I was a young One L walking into the Orange Bowl for the first time. I was a student of dah U’s School of Law and donning full Gator regalia. I will never forget the angriest person I’ve ever seen in my life, a 90 pound Cuban girl/UM student, pass out after finding out she was not getting into the game, although not before directing the full force of her ire at yourself and El Gran Mono. I went in fully expecting to lose, but the Zooker raised my hopes, only to see them dashed by his calling card, the 4th quarter collapse. The Orange Bowl is gone, and I would bet my life that the 90 pounder now has 3 kids and has nearly doubled her weight. Former Plant High star and son of former Buccaneer linebacker, Robert Marve is making his first collegiate start in the Swamp against the heavily favored Gators. Part of me feels like I should be a bit worried, but then I realized how much Urban appreciates history. He knows how long it has been since UF beat the Canes, and he will put the hammer down.
Cocaine sniffing thugs 13
Streak Breakers 44
CB
Co‘Canes 12
UF 30
EGM
CoCanes 13
Gators 42
Central Michigan at Georgia (-23), 3:30
EGM
Did you know that Knowshon is hurt? Maybe the pregame kegger with Rat Haired Stafford was put in place of stretches. I wouldn’t be surprised because Georgia is the greatest team of all time. So good they lost two games last year where they couldn’t move the ball whatsoever.
I’m sure Richt will run the score up here in order to show the country that his team is ok. He’s not fooling me and he’s still got a couple ass kickings coming.
Chipps 17
Dawgs 52
ML
Chippewas 10
Barking Rednecks 35
CB
CMU 13
UGA 44
Norfolk State at Kentucky (NL),
EGM
It appears that I underestimated the Wildcats. Perhaps the Cards are just bad but I think that the Cats might be pretty good despite losing Andre “Take A Sack, Don’t Hurt the Rating” Woodson. Their defense is much improved and they have a pretty decent running game. More importantly, I think they won’t have too much of a problem with Norfolk State, even if the Spartans are “achieving with excellence.” Is it possible to achieve without being excellent? Maybe in Barak Obamaville…
Spartans 7
KY 45
ML
Black Spartans 2
Blue & White Kitties 44
CB
NSU 10
UK 11
Troy at Louisiana State (-24), PPD
ML
As a reward for being so awesome these two teams decided to postpone the game and spare me the obligation to write a preview. I know you all feel cheated, but I do not.
CB
PPD
EGM
PPD
Southeast Louisiana at Mississippi State (NL), PPD
CB
Those dirty Dawgs tried it the classy way, but that blew up in their faces last week. Starting the season AT a D-1A school? That was very stupid, esp for a team that is just one season away from being the laughing stock of the conference. Sure last year they swept the state of Alabama, but I have to believe that it was a weird one for those schools (well except for Alabama-Birmingham, they just generally suck). Anyways, I guess what I’m trying to say here is that this week, against a cupcake, is the way to do it at MSU. Next time up, start the year by staying at home in the pastures, cow-tipping, embarrassing the rest of the State and playing an awful team.
SE LA 13
Mess St. 34
ML
The Lions 13
Croom’s Crew 44
CB
Directional 10
Miss State 31
Ole Miss at Wake Forest (-8)
CB
No respect for the Rebels even after they took down Memphis last week with a very balanced attack!! I really think that Houston Nutt has brought a much needed spark to Oxford, and with some of the talent they have, that may be just what the doctor ordered. However, Wake Forest is definitely the class of the ACC this year, and while that normally would make one laugh until they cried, recently that has become more than a joke (a hilarious joke at that). The Rebels are bringing their Southern Hair and crokies to Winston-Salem Saturday with the hopes of keeping their new found success flowing like their golden locks, however that may not be enough this weekend. The smart money is on a nice Deacon win, but I gotta go with the Rebs to at least cover.
Ole Miss 21
Deacs 24
ML
Ole Piss 24
Weak Forest 28
EGM
Rebs 24
Deacs 28
Tennessee – OPEN
ML
Leave it to Phat Phil to lose again. I know, let’s not give the ball to Hardesty and Foster, but instead pitch it around 40 times with Jonathan “Straight Outta Crompton.” I hope the Vols bring this attitude to the UF game in 2 weeks. It would be nice for UCLA to become relevant, if only to prevent USC from landing every high school stud in Southern California.
USF at UCF (+14)
EGM
14 point dogs at home. That can’t feel good. I wonder how George O’Leary will fudge that on his resume. Maybe he’ll just eat fudge instead. USF absolutely hammered UCF last year and this game might even get “Matt Grothe For Heisman” talk going. Of course, anyone who brings that subject up should immediately be branded a moron, much like Grothe himself.
Golden Nights 13
Bullz 45
ML
USF 40
UCF 20
CB
USF 38
UCF 20
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